Favorite Alan Harper Quotes
Jake [about Chelsea]: Maybe she has an std
Charlie: What?
Jake: It means sexually transmitted disease
Charlie: I know what STDs are
Alan: Your uncle helped invent them
Jake: You know they can be prevented by using a condom?
Charlie: I know we could have prevented you by using a condom
Alan: I'm gonna go pick up Jake at his mothers
Charlie: Oh good. Just what we need to brighten up our weekend. A large, sullen teenager with gas and questionable hygiene
Alan: There's nothing questionable about it
Jake: As soon as I get my license I'm so out of here
Alan: Sure, and you can drive your girlfriend to Gymboree
Jake: At least I have a girlfriend
Jerome: So how do you know Charlie and Alan?
Herb: I married Alan's ex-wife
Jerome: No kidding.. and you two hang out?
Herb and Aln: yeah, sure
Jerome: Wow, I couldn't be friends with the man that's putting it to my ex
Herb: Well to be fair that hasn't been a lot of putting lately
Alan: ...and after the baby there'll be even less
Herb: How's that possible?
Alan: Not only will she not let you touch her, but she'll interrupt you when you're touching yourself
Judith [about Kandi]: Are you proud of yourself?
Alan: What do you mean?
Judith: Oh, please, she has to be half your age.
Alan: Oh, that. Yeah, I am pretty proud of that
Charlie [about Jake at Evelyn's]: Oh, come on, he's not in any real danger.
Alan: Not physically, but you know as well as I do that Mom has the ability to say things that... stick with you.
Charlie: Yeah. Forever and ever. My favorite was, "They must have mixed you up with another baby 'cause I could never have given birth to such a hateful child." Who writes that on an fifth grader's birthday card?
Last summer he actually fractured his ass doing a cannonball into the bath tub
Judith [about Jake]: When I brought him home Sunday night and served him dinner, he tipped me with a $25 chip from Caesars Palace and told me I had a nice rack!
Alan: Uh, well, Judith... you do
Alan [explaining booty calls to Jake]: You see Jake, in the old west, cowboys could be out on the dusty range for months at a time, and they get mighty dirty. So they'd mosey into town with nothing but the clothes on their backs, and they'd need to wash them. So what they'd do is, they'd go down to the creek, and strip down until they were wearing nothing but their boots.
Charlie: Why'd they keep their boots on?
Alan: Rattlesnakes. Anyways, in order to warn people that were swimming that a naked cowboy was on his way, he would yell, or, if you will, call, "Booty! Booty!" Ergo, the Booty Call.
Kandi: Wow Alan, you really make history fun.
Alan: Well, thank you.
Kandi: So when did it start meaning casual sex?
Alan: The first thousand miles is the break-in period. You're not supposed to go over 65.
Charlie: Well, then go 65.
Alan: The speed limit is 60! You want me to get a ticket?
Charlie: Alan, you're driving an expensive red sports car. If you're not getting tickets and tail you might as well take the bus... which, by the way, just passed us
Jake [about spending night at grandma's]: What did I ever do to you?
Alan: It's not a punishment.
Jake: It's not a prize. I'm calling Mom
Alan: What's the problem?
Jake: She's nine
Alan: Nine? Where would you meet a nine year old girl?
Jake: We're in the same math class
Alan: Is she one of those advanced students?
Jake: Sadly, no, but she does help me with my homework
