Favorite Alan Harper Quotes
Jake: Uncle Charlie hasn't met Porky yet!
Charlie: I don't suppose that's a Rubenesque nineteen-year-old girl?
Alan: Porky's his pet guinea pig.
Charlie: You're bringing vermin into my house?
Charlie: Oh, hey, Alan! The kid was asking about these women you've been going out with, why he never gets to meet any of them?
Alan: Really? What, what did you tell him?
Charlie: I said it's probably because he's disgusting.
Alan: Oh, Charlie...
Charlie: I also told him that you love him and that you don't want him to get attached to somebody and get disappointed if things don't work out.
Alan: Good. Thank you.
Charlie: How come I don't get to meet them?
Alan: Cause you're disgusting.
Charlie: That's very hurtful, Alan
Alan: Why is the vacuum cleaner out?
Charlie: Because we were ankle deep in bunny poop.
Alan: Were you drinking last night?
Charlie: Yes, but that's not the point
Alan [about his mother and Trudy's father]: Apparently your father mixed his heart medication with his Viagra, and they didn't want to waste the opportunity.
Trudy: So he's not coming?
Alan: Well...
Alan: It is not a chick car! The-- the salesman showed me brochures with pictures of men driving it.
Charlie: Alan, if a monkey walked into the dealership, he'd have been shown pictures of monkeys driving it.
Alan: Monkeys can't drive a stick
Charlie: Hey, that was quick.
Alan: Yeah. Like every other time Judith screwed me.
Charlie: What happened?
Alan: What happened? I'll tell you what happened. My settlement conference turned into a drive-by colonoscopy.
Alan: Remember, we have Jake's session first.
Charlie: Oh, man, I thought you didn't want him to go back to that quack.
Alan: I didn't, but Judith and I talked and we decided that what I want makes no difference whatsoe
Alan: Charlie, I want Jake to follow the rules, so I need you to be my eyes and my ears.
Charlie: Ok, I need you to be my liver and my prostate
Charlie: Okay, let me try this again. A vasectomy is a very simple procedure.
Jake: Are you sick??
Charlie: No, no, no, I'm perfectly healthy. It's just a procedure so that I don't have babies by accident.
Jake: Oh, yeah, like we had to do with Scout.
Charlie: Scout?
Alan: The dog we had. Couldn't keep it in his fur! Keep going, you're doing great.
Charlie: Jake, it's not exactly the same with people as it is with dogs.
Jake: I know... Why don't you just wear a condom?
Alan: Why don't you just get snipped?
Charlie: You mean a vasectomy?
Alan: Yeah.
Charlie: Well, then, say "vasectomy". Don't say "snipped"!
Alan: What's wrong with "snipped"?
Charlie: It's demeaning. "Snipped" is what you get for twelve bucks at Supercuts.
And Grandma doesn't just feed on the souls of the dead, Jake. She also profits from the pain of divorce and the humiliation of bankruptcy
Jake [about Chelsea]: Maybe she has an std
Charlie: What?
Jake: It means sexually transmitted disease
Charlie: I know what STDs are
Alan: Your uncle helped invent them
Jake: You know they can be prevented by using a condom?
Charlie: I know we could have prevented you by using a condom
