Two and a Half Men

Alan Harper Quotes (Page 11)

Alan: It's always good to have a choice of dips.
Lyndsey: And I chose you.
Alan: Zing.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: After seven years, I finally move out of your house, and within two days, I burn my new home down. You can't write this stuff.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: You don't really think he'd give me a thousand dollars an hour?
Lyndsey: If I were you, I'd get the money up front.
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: I promise I'll get a quiet hooker.
Alan: Believe or not, that's a real concession on his part.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: The man who was asked to leave Bangkok for moral turpitude finds this distasteful?
Charlie: That was a misunderstanding. I had no idea it was an endangered species.
Alan: Nothing I'm doing requires a ten day quarantine and a series of rabies shots.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: Charlie may be prickly and crusty on the outside, but inside he's all soft and gooey,.. kind of like a pudding-filled cactus.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: It was just a one time thing. Actually a two time thing, once was in the shower.
Charlie: Well that is where you've been practicing.
 • Rating: Unrated

Eldritch: There's something wrong here, are you sending us to military school?
Alan: No, why would you think that?
Jake: I dunno, 16 years of bargain pizza from Costco and vanilla wafers for dessert?
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Lindsey and I have decided to live together.
Jake: I dunno think Uncle Charlie's going to like that. He's never been real pleased you and I moved in.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Dammit, how do you get a guy to leave your house who doesn't want to go?
Berta: Tell him you missed your period and you're out of pot. It always worked for me.
 • Rating: Unrated

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