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Two-and-a-half-men

Alan: Your husband's a dummy.
Rose: To be fair, he wasn't the one who was fooled by a mannequin.

Alan: I was singing.
Jake: You weren't singing.
Alan: Who are you, Simon Cowell?

Priest: Are you even Catholic?
Alan: I'm a big fan. The costumes. The music. Crackers and wine.
Priest: That's the body and blood of our Savior.
Alan: I know. Um-um good. Did you guys ever think of putting that in supermarkets like a Lunchable?

Alan: How's the pediatrician game?
Herb: Like taking money from babies.

Evelyn: You're my son. I should at least pretend I believe in you.
Alan: Thank you.
Evelyn: I'm putting "American Cancer Society" on the memo line. Just ignore that.

Alan: Once the profits start rolling in, I could move out.
Charlie: And once I start growing boobs I could start working the lunch shift at Les Girls, Girls, Girls.

Alan: Is that for luck?
Evelyn: No, just kissing it goodbye.

Alan: You have five grand in your sweatpants?
Charlie: I prefer to think of it as "three hookers and a Philly cheesesteak."

Alan: How much is this going to cost me?
Charlie: The question is, "how much is this going to earn you?"
Alan: I'll stick with my question.

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