Alan Harper Quotes (Page 9)
Season 9, Episode 2: "People Who Love Peepholes"
Alan: Begging never gets you anywhere. I say this having spent more time on my knees than any straight man in America.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0
Alan: When i was in high school, I was dating a poster of Molly Ringwald.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0
Alan: You're young, you're rich, you got a face that gives women an erection.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0
Season 9, Episode 1: "Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt"
Alan: Ooh package, how exciting. What could it be?
Delivery Guy: It's from a crematorium so that kind of narrows it down.
• Rating: 4.0 / 5.0
Walden: Trust me, money doesn't buy happiness.
Alan: I wouldn't know, I've never had either.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0
Alan [to urn]: Just like old times. I'm talking and you're in a bottle ignoring me.
• Rating: 4.3 / 5.0
Season 8, Episode 16: "That Darn Priest"
Alan: I hope it works out with your granddaughters.
Berta: They're 15 years old and pregnant. What should they look forward to - the next season of "Teen Mom?"
• Rating: 4.5 / 5.0
Alan: Hey, I'm just looking out for you.
Charlie: Do me a favor; a little less looking out and a little more moving out.
• Rating: 4.0 / 5.0
Alan: Do you know what happens to pretty, slender fellows in jail?
Evil Alan: Yeah, they usually hang themselves after their first shower.
• Rating: Unrated
Alan: You're going to lose quite a bit of money by pulling out early.
Berta: Yeah well if Jimmy Lee did the same, I wouldn't need the money.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0
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Total Quotes: 710