Two and a Half Men

Alan Harper Quotes (Page 9)

Charlie: It could have been worse but I won a bundle at the roulette table betting the color of her underwear.
Alan: Red or black?
Charlie: Double zero.
Alan: What color is that?
Charlie: Ass cheeks.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: Is that a votive candle?
Charlie: Yep. She's praying that I have pleasant bowel movements.
Alan: Oh, please.
Charlie: No, no. It's working. This morning, soft, firm easy peasy.
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: Te amo.
Alan: I thought you don't speak Spanish?
Charlie: I do know how to say, "I love you" and "How much for a happy ending?" in seventeen languages.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: Where did you learn to speak Spanish?
Alan: Junior high, high school, college, two years of chiropractic school in Mexico.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: She broke up with her ex-husband. She said she didn't want to go backwards.
Charlie: In what universe is dating you not going backwards?
Alan: I know. This guy must be all kinds of messed up.
 • Rating: Unrated

Evelyn: I'll be right back,
Alan: Where are you going?
Evelyn: To put on panties.
 • Rating: Unrated

Evelyn: What is wrong with him (Jake)?
Alan: Nothing organic. We've had him checked.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Birthday card for mom -- sign it.
Charlie: No thanks. Come back with a "do not resuscitate" form and we'll talk.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Evelyn: You go out with a girl and break up with her hoo-hah can develop a 5'o clock shadow.
Alan: Well, in his defense mom, he's usually paying by the hour.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Don't worry, she doesn't commit suicide, she inspires it.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

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