Alan: Is that for luck?
Evelyn: No, just kissing it goodbye.

Alan: You have five grand in your sweatpants?
Charlie: I prefer to think of it as "three hookers and a Philly cheesesteak."

Alan: How much is this going to cost me?
Charlie: The question is, "how much is this going to earn you?"
Alan: I'll stick with my question.

Alan: Oh, what's to become of my son?
Charlie: Don't worry, Alan, there'll always be carnivals.

Alan: You have to forget about her, Charlie.
Charlie: (holding bottle of liquor) I know, that's why I got me some milk of amnesia.

Alan: What happens if her husband catches you?
Charlie: Then he shoots me and you can have my house and car.
Alan: Go to her, Charlie. She's waiting!

Alan: What about her tattoo of you on her left butt cheek?
Charlie: I wish she hadn't done that. After she takes a hot bath I start to look like Edward James Olmos.

You don't scare me. You already shot your load. (he gets sprayed) ... Although you could be another skunk!

Alan: Charlie, if you do what I think you're going to do, I swear I will never speak to you again.
Charlie: Really? Then by all means tell me exactly what you think I'm going to do.

Charlie: Wow, you really missed the signals.
Alan: What signals?
Charlie: For me it was her taking off her sweater and saying, "Quick do me before Alan gets back from his trumpet lesson."

Alan: I'm not gay, I'm just meterosexual.
Charlie: That's just a gay man that can't get laid.

Charlie: Courtney went home. We broke up.
Alan: Oh, and you're trying to fill the void and mend a broken heart at DanishMunchers.com.

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: You're like an Alzheimer's patient in a whorehouse.
Alan: What do you mean?
Charlie: You're constantly surprised that you're getting screwed, and you don't want to pay for it

Alan: What's wrong with him?
Berta: Classic case of va-jay-jay fever.
Alan: Colorfully put. I'm just surprised to see Charlie fall for it.
Berta: Sooner or later all men fall for it. How do you think I got my condo in Palm Springs?
Alan: You have a condo in Palm Springs?
Berta: No, figure of speech. Don't try to stop by.