Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two-and-a-half-men

When i was in high school, I was dating a poster of Molly Ringwald.

You're young, you're rich, you got a face that gives women an erection.

Alan: Ooh package, how exciting. What could it be?
Delivery Guy: It's from a crematorium so that kind of narrows it down.

Walden: Trust me, money doesn't buy happiness.
Alan: I wouldn't know, I've never had either.

Just like old times. I'm talking and you're in a bottle ignoring me.

Alan: I hope it works out with your granddaughters.
Berta: They're 15 years old and pregnant. What should they look forward to - the next season of "Teen Mom?"

Alan: Hey, I'm just looking out for you.
Charlie: Do me a favor; a little less looking out and a little more moving out.

Alan: Do you know what happens to pretty, slender fellows in jail?
Evil Alan: Yeah, they usually hang themselves after their first shower.

Alan: You're going to lose quite a bit of money by pulling out early.
Berta: Yeah well if Jimmy Lee did the same, I wouldn't need the money.

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