Two and a Half Men

Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two and a half men
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Charlie: I think I need to go see my shrink.
Alan: Work out some issues?
Charlie: Renew my prescriptions.
Alan: Much more in character.

Charlie: Did you have sex in my bed?
Alan: Um, no. Actually, the romance of the night pretty much evaporated when you curled up at our feet like a drunken Labrador.

Charlie: Why did I wake up in your bed?
Alan: You passed out there.
Charlie: Did we break any biblical laws?

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

Jake: I saw this video called "Topless Co-eds of the Big Ten" and I decided I had to go to college.
Alan: You expect me to pay $30,000-$40,000 a year so you can meet drunk girls who will lift their shirts?
Jake: Yes, please.

Alan: Charlie, do you have any idea how bad you're making me look?
Charlie: That's not me. It's genetics and barber school haircuts.

Alan: It was like I was in a dream and my hands belonged to someone else.
Charlie: I have that one all the time. Except in mine, the hands do belong to someone else.

Alan: You're a very lucky guy, Charlie.
Charlie: I ran through a plate glass window and you puked in my piano. How is that lucky?
Alan: You could have bleed to death. I could vomited on my shoes.
Charlie: Those are my shoes.
Alan: Which is why you're lucky.

Alan: I just wanted to say, "I'm always here for you."
Charlie: Never doubted that.
Alan: Thank you.
Charlie: Wasn't a compliment.

Courtney: Are my boobs even?
Alan: Even what?
Courtney: I just want to make sure one's not popping out more than the other one.
Alan: No, no. They're both just popping ... fine.

Alan: What's wrong with him?
Berta: Classic case of va-jay-jay fever.
Alan: Colorfully put. I'm just surprised to see Charlie fall for it.
Berta: Sooner or later all men fall for it. How do you think I got my condo in Palm Springs?
Alan: You have a condo in Palm Springs?
Berta: No, figure of speech. Don't try to stop by.

Charlie: It could have been worse but I won a bundle at the roulette table betting the color of her underwear.
Alan: Red or black?
Charlie: Double zero.
Alan: What color is that?
Charlie: Ass cheeks.

Displaying quotes 109 - 120 of 710 in total

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

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