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Two-and-a-half-men

Alan: You gotta be excited about having your girlfriend back. What has been like a month?
Walden: Three weeks.
Alan: Still that is like a decade in penis years.

Jean: It was a nice movie, if you are into pornography.
Alan: I saw it, and it was not pornography.
Jean: Well, It was not Mary Poppins.

Alan: What are you doing?
Walden: Playing a racing game.
Alan: That's funny, after my divorce, I played World of War Craft for a while, hoping to meet girls.
Walden: Did you meet any?
Alan: Let just say, if you are lonely and drunk enough, everyone is a girl.

Alan: Seriously, if you don't believe me, throw me a couple of mil, and get ready for a tongue bath
Walden: I doubt that will be necessary.
Alan: I am not just talking metaphorically; I will lick you from head to toe.

Alan: What exactly did Zoey say?
Walden: It is exactly what she did not say; she did not say I love you.
Alan: Oh please, if I insisted on women saying I love you, I would not have had a girlfriend, a wife or even a mother.

Jake: I need 75 bucks for the new Call of Duty.
Alan: 75 bucks for a video game?
Jake: Yes, see it as investment.
Alan: An investment?
Jake: Yes, see it this way, if I enter the army after school, I will already know how to kill terrorists.

Walden: I will buy you whatever you need in London.
Alan: If Zoey won't say it, I will. I love you Walden Schmidt.

That is one talented lady; and by talented... I mean annoying; and by lady, I mean bitch.

Harvard; the Santa Monica Community College of the East.

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