Alan Harper Quotes
In the dating game, wedding rings are like kryptonite. If superman was a vagina.
Alan: It wasn't a nut house, it was a stress clinic.
Jake: What's the difference?
Alan: About $2500 / week.
Alan: Oh thank god I'm still in a looney bin.
Gary Busey: It's a stress clinic.
I'm soaking wet and i had to give a truck driver half a handy to get here.
I'll give you a hint, I didn't do the dog people style.
Jake: Uncle Charlie never treated me like a stupid kid.
Alan: That's nice.
Jake: He treated me more like a stupid person.
Walden: We're talk songs, thongs, bongs and schlongs.
Alan: If he had an autobiography, that'd be the title.
Walden: I'm not going sleep with your mother.
Alan: If I had a dime for every time i heard that, I'd have have $3.60. I know that doesn't sound like a lot, but it's 36 times.
It's a miracle I'm not a transexual on Dancing With the Stars.
Alan: Does she have a magic vagina?
Walden: Like can you pull a rabbit out of it?
Jake: Dad, please tell me I'm not done growing.
Alan: Knock yourself out.
I may love broadway musicals, and have a keen eye for fashion, but that's where it ends.
