Alan Harper Quotes (Page 6)
Season 9, Episode 17: "Not In My Mouth"
Jake: I need 75 bucks for the new Call of Duty.
Alan: 75 bucks for a video game?
Jake: Yes, see it as investment.
Alan: An investment?
Jake: Yes, see it this way, if I enter the army after school, I will already know how to kill terrorists.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0
Walden: I will buy you whatever you need in London.
Alan: If Zoey won't say it, I will. I love you Walden Schmidt.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0
Season 9, Episode 16: "Sips, Sonnets and Sodomy"
Alan: That is one talented lady; and by talented... I mean annoying; and by lady, I mean bitch.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0
Alan: Harvard; the Santa Monica Community College of the East.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0
Season 9, Episode 13: "A Possum on Chemo"
Alan: When I was married to judith it was my choice to get a vasectomy, new kitchen, and a labradoodle with a diarrhea.
• Rating: Unrated
Alan: I tried, [the beard] grew in patchy. I looked like a possum on chemo.
• Rating: 4.0 / 5.0
Season 9, Episode 12: "Slowly and in a Circular Fashion"
Alan: Can i tell women it's mine?
Walden: Why would you stop now?
• Rating: Unrated
Walden: You've mistaken tooth paste for lubricant?
Alan: Just once and it stung like hell, but my penis was minty fresh.
Walden: How did you know it was minty fresh?
Alan: Years of yoga and loneliness.
• Rating: 3.7 / 5.0
Season 9, Episode 9: "A Fishbowl Full Of Glass Eyes"
Alan: I haven't had any pride since the gym showers in seventh grade.
• Rating: Unrated
Alan: I can't possibly produce enough sperm or blood to get myself out of the hole i'm in.
• Rating: Unrated
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Total Quotes: 710
