Alan Harper Quotes
Alan: Seriously, if you don't believe me, throw me a couple of mil, and get ready for a tongue bath
Walden: I doubt that will be necessary.
Alan: I am not just talking metaphorically; I will lick you from head to toe.
Alan: What exactly did Zoey say?
Walden: It is exactly what she did not say; she did not say I love you.
Alan: Oh please, if I insisted on women saying I love you, I would not have had a girlfriend, a wife or even a mother.
Jake: I need 75 bucks for the new Call of Duty.
Alan: 75 bucks for a video game?
Jake: Yes, see it as investment.
Alan: An investment?
Jake: Yes, see it this way, if I enter the army after school, I will already know how to kill terrorists.
Walden: I will buy you whatever you need in London.
Alan: If Zoey won't say it, I will. I love you Walden Schmidt.
That is one talented lady; and by talented... I mean annoying; and by lady, I mean bitch.
Harvard; the Santa Monica Community College of the East.
When I was married to judith it was my choice to get a vasectomy, new kitchen, and a labradoodle with a diarrhea.
I tried, [the beard] grew in patchy. I looked like a possum on chemo.
Alan: Can i tell women it's mine?
Walden: Why would you stop now?
Walden: You've mistaken tooth paste for lubricant?
Alan: Just once and it stung like hell, but my penis was minty fresh.
Walden: How did you know it was minty fresh?
Alan: Years of yoga and loneliness.
I haven't had any pride since the gym showers in seventh grade.
I can't possibly produce enough sperm or blood to get myself out of the hole i'm in.