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Two-and-a-half-men

Alan: Seriously, if you don't believe me, throw me a couple of mil, and get ready for a tongue bath
Walden: I doubt that will be necessary.
Alan: I am not just talking metaphorically; I will lick you from head to toe.

Alan: What exactly did Zoey say?
Walden: It is exactly what she did not say; she did not say I love you.
Alan: Oh please, if I insisted on women saying I love you, I would not have had a girlfriend, a wife or even a mother.

Jake: I need 75 bucks for the new Call of Duty.
Alan: 75 bucks for a video game?
Jake: Yes, see it as investment.
Alan: An investment?
Jake: Yes, see it this way, if I enter the army after school, I will already know how to kill terrorists.

Walden: I will buy you whatever you need in London.
Alan: If Zoey won't say it, I will. I love you Walden Schmidt.

That is one talented lady; and by talented... I mean annoying; and by lady, I mean bitch.

Harvard; the Santa Monica Community College of the East.

When I was married to judith it was my choice to get a vasectomy, new kitchen, and a labradoodle with a diarrhea.

I tried, [the beard] grew in patchy. I looked like a possum on chemo.

Alan: Can i tell women it's mine?
Walden: Why would you stop now?

Walden: You've mistaken tooth paste for lubricant?
Alan: Just once and it stung like hell, but my penis was minty fresh.
Walden: How did you know it was minty fresh?
Alan: Years of yoga and loneliness.

I haven't had any pride since the gym showers in seventh grade.

I can't possibly produce enough sperm or blood to get myself out of the hole i'm in.

Displaying quotes 49 - 60 of 710 in total

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Lyndsey: Oh, God. You saw "Cinnamon's Buns?"
Charlie: Not all the way through. Though I'm very familiar with the bakery shop scene in the middle. You know, with the frosting gun?

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