The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXPopular Bart Simpson Quotes
Homer: Now look, you know and I know this family needs help, professional help. So I've made us an appointment with Dr. Marvin Monroe.
Bart: The fat guy on TV?
Lisa: You're sending us to see a doctor who advertises on pro wrestling?
Homer: Boxing Lisa, boxing. There's a world of difference.
(Homer prepares Bart for the sack race at the company picnic.)
Homer: You remember the rules from last year?
Bart: Yeah. Shut my mouth and let your boss win.
Bart: Okay, we all know why we're here, right?
Milhouse: No, why?
Bart: To fight Nelson, the bully. That guy has been tormenting all of us for years, and I for one am sick of it! I can't promise you victory. I can't promise you good times. But the one thing I do know--
(All the boys file out.)
Bart: Whoa! Whoa! I promise you victory! I promise you good times!
Bart: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, contrary to what you've just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun. There are no winners. Only losers. There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: The American Revolution, World War II, and the Star Wars trilogy. If you'd like to learn more about war, there's lots of books in your local library--many of them with cool, gory pictures. Well, good night, everybody. Peace, man.
(Grampa and Bart pay a visit to Herman's Military Antiques.)
Herman: What's the password?
Grampa: Let me in, you idiot!
Herman: Right you are!
(Herman lets them in the store.)
Grampa: So, Herman, has the large-type edition of this month's Solider Of Fortune come in yet?
Herman: Uh, not yet. But, can I interest you in some authentic Nazi underpants?
Grampa: No! Actually, we came over because I want you to meet my grandson, Bart.
Herman: Ah. Hello, young American.
Bart: Hello, sir. Uh, Mr. Herman?
Herman: Yes?
Bart: (Stutters) Did you lose your arm in the war?
Herman: My arm? Well, let me put it this way. Next time your teacher tells you to keep your arm inside the bus window, you do it!
Bart: Yes, sir, I will.
Grampa: Bart's got a problem with a local young bully named Nelson. I thought you could help him with some kind of strategy.
Herman: Strategy. Hmm. How many men do you have?
Bart: None.
Herman: You'll need more. And you'll need to train them, hard! Now, let's see.
(Herman pulls out a map and spreads it out on the counter.)
Herman: Ah. Okay. The key to Springfield has always been Elm Street. The Greeks knew it. The Carthaginians knew it. Now you know it. First you'll need a declaration of war.
(Herman pulls out a document.)
Herman: Uh, ah! That way, everything you do will be nice and legal. Okay, I can use this one from the Franco-Prussian War. I'll just change "Otto von Bismarck" to read "Bart Simpson."
(Herman mutters to himself as he doctors up the declaration of war.)
Bart: (to Grampa) Psst! Grampa, I think this guy's a little nuts.
Grampa: Oh, yeah? Well, General George S. Patton was a little nuts. And this guy's completely out of his mind. We can't fail!
Marge: This bully friend of yours, is he a little on the chunky side?
Bart: Yeah, he's pretty chunkified, all right.
Marge: Mm-hmm. And I'll bet he doesn't do well in his studies, either.
Bart: No, he's pretty dumb. He's in all the same special classes I am.
Marge: That's why he lashes out at the world.
Homer: Oh, Marge.
Marge: So tomorrow, instead of bickering with this boy, talk to him. You'll be surprised how far a little understanding will go.
Homer: Well, thank you very much, Mrs. Maharishi Gandhi.
(Homer takes Bart by the hand.)
Homer: Let's go, boy.
Bart: You know, there are names for people like you.
Lisa: No, there aren't.
Bart: Teacher's pet, apple polisher, butt kisser--
Homer: Bart! You're saying "butt kisser" like it's a bad thing.
Bart: Huh?
(Homer pats his leg and Bart sits on his lap.)
Homer: Well, you see, boy, it never hurts to grease the wheels a little.
Lisa: I'm not greasing the wheels, Dad. I like my teacher.
Homer: Sure, Lis. You see how it works, Bart? A cupcake her, a good grade there.
Lisa: Dad, I get good grades 'cause I'm smart and I pay attention and I study hard.
Homer: Yeah, right, Lisa. It's the three roads to success, Bart: work, brains and--
(Homer grabs one of Lisa's cupcakes.)
Homer: Hmm?
Lisa: Oh, brother.
Lisa: Why don't you go see Grampa?
Bart: What can he do?
Lisa: He'll give you good advice. He's the toughest Simpson alive.
Bart: He is?
Lisa: Yeah. Remember the fight he put up when we put him in the home?
Herman: We got the water balloons?
Bart: Two-hundred rounds, sir. Is it okay if they say "Happy Birthday" on the side?
Herman: Ugh, well, I'd rather they say "Death From Above," but I guess we're stuck.
Homer: Where the hell are my keys? Who stole my keys? Come on, I'm late for work! (Lifts Maggie and looks underneath)
Marge: Oh Homer, you'd lose your head if it weren't securely fastened to your neck.
Bart: Did you check the den?
Homer: The den! Great idea!
(Homer heads into the den with Bart following him and Homer begins to pull couch apart.)
Bart: Warm. No, cold. Colder. Ice cold.
Homer: You know where my keys are?
Bart: No, I'm talking about your breakfast.
I heard that spider-man was actually a comic book before it was a movie... is this true?
