Bart Simpson Quotes
Marge: Bart, I'm starting to worry about your father.
Bart: Well, I know he seems to get dumber every year, but lately he's plateaued.
Lisa: There must be a website that can help you deal with a clingy baby.
Marge: Oh, I don't want to bother the internet with my problem.
Bart: Aw, come on, Mom. We'll help you surf.
(Marge sits down at the computer, grabs the mouse and starts clicking away.)
Bart: Click that one, Mom.
Lisa: No, go up.
Bart Keep going--up, up, up!
Lisa: The blue ones are ads.
Bart: That's the toolbar.
Lisa: No you've opened Word; close it!
Bart: Close it. Do-don't save it!
Lisa: Stop clicking.
Bart: Don't go there!
Lisa: Why are you buying a freezer?!
Bart: Don't click the cart or you've bought it!
Lisa: Aw, you clicked the cart!
Marge: (Upset) If you're so smart, you do it!
(Bart pushes one button and finds a baby website; Marge groans.)
(In the dressing room after Homer's first performance.)
Bart: Dad, you were great!
Lisa: And you contributed to our culture!
Homer (Worried) Well, I didn't mean to.
Lisa: No, no. It's a good thing.
Homer: (Relieved) Oh, good. This makes up for me showing up drunk to the father-daughter dance.
Lisa: The dance isn't till next week.
Homer: Sorry, Lisa. Can't change the future.
(Bart catches Homer at Krusty Burger instead of his "new" job.)
Homer: I couldn't bear to tell your mother, so I hang out here all day.
Bart: But, Dad, you gotta tell her. She's been buying brand-name groceries.
Homer: Brands like "Miser's Choice" and "Day-Old Delights"?
Bart: No, things rich people buy, like Campbell's soup and Pepsodent.
Ugh, I don't even want to smell sparkling apple juice again.
Homer: What's wrong, old friend? Can't sleep? (his stomach is rumbling) Aww. Would some warm beer settle you down? (his stomach continues rumbling) Uh-oh. (gets up and runs off) Those barley burgers were tainted! Why did I eat twelve of them?! Why?! (runs to a bathroom door, only to find Marge using it)
[Homer shuts the bathroom door, and runs upstairs to another bathroom door, only to find Bart using it.]
[Homer runs to another bathroom door, only to find Lisa using it.]
[Homer runs, looks both ways, runs into Lisa's bedroom, and vomits into her saxophone; his mouth gets stuck trying to get it out.]
Bart: Get a room!
Homer: Come on boy, be cool.
Homer: Be cool or you're grounded!
Bart: (crying) I can't believe Jenny dumped me.
Homer: Now, now, boy. Girls come and go, but you'll always have your family.
Bart: Ahhhh! (starts sobbing loudly)
Homer: (also starts sobbing) You're right! You're right!
Jenny: Are you saying our entire relationship is based on lies?
Bart: Not our entire relationship. Just the stuff I said.
(Picking out a Tuxedo for Bart. He doesn't look pleased with his puffy shirt tuxedo.)
Bart: (frowning) Isn't this shirt kinda gay?
Clerk: Last time I checked, pirates weren't gay.
Homer: Eww, how'd you check?
Bart: I can't believe we have to start another year at school. I never learned anything at that suck shack.
Homer: Hey! Who taught you language like that?
Bart: Kid at school.
Homer: So you did learn something!
Lisa: I need some candy for our first playdate, but I don't want to come on too strong.
Lisa: Well, if I pick plain she'll think I'm cheap, and if I pick peanut, she may have an allergy. You just killed her, Bart!
Bart: How about Charleston Chew?
Lisa: What is this, Brooklyn in the fifties? Don't just say stuff.
Bart: You asked for my help, then you don't want it.
Apu: Excuse me, but why not consider an Almond Joy? It looks like you only brought something for yourself, but then you just happen to have two pieces.
Lisa: Finally, a real suggestion!
Bart: If she doesn't like coconut, you're screwed!