The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXBart Simpson Quotes
Lisa: There must be a website that can help you deal with a clingy baby.
Marge: Oh, I don't want to bother the internet with my problem.
Bart: Aw, come on, Mom. We'll help you surf.
(Marge sits down at the computer, grabs the mouse and starts clicking away.)
Bart: Click that one, Mom.
Lisa: No, go up.
Bart Keep going--up, up, up!
Lisa: The blue ones are ads.
Bart: That's the toolbar.
Lisa: No you've opened Word; close it!
Bart: Close it. Do-don't save it!
Lisa: Stop clicking.
Bart: Don't go there!
Lisa: Why are you buying a freezer?!
Bart: Don't click the cart or you've bought it!
Lisa: Aw, you clicked the cart!
Marge: (Upset) If you're so smart, you do it!
(Bart pushes one button and finds a baby website; Marge groans.)
(Bart uses an exact-o knife to extract the word "whore" from the Bible and he pins it up on his bulletin board along with a few others.)
Bart: We can say these swears anytime we want because they're in the Bible!
Milhouse: I don't think "Leviticus" is a swear.
Bart: Shut the hell up, you damn ass whore!
(In the dressing room after Homer's first performance.)
Bart: Dad, you were great!
Lisa: And you contributed to our culture!
Homer (Worried) Well, I didn't mean to.
Lisa: No, no. It's a good thing.
Homer: (Relieved) Oh, good. This makes up for me showing up drunk to the father-daughter dance.
Lisa: The dance isn't till next week.
Homer: Sorry, Lisa. Can't change the future.
(Bart catches Homer at Krusty Burger instead of his "new" job.)
Homer: I couldn't bear to tell your mother, so I hang out here all day.
Bart: But, Dad, you gotta tell her. She's been buying brand-name groceries.
Homer: Brands like "Miser's Choice" and "Day-Old Delights"?
Bart: No, things rich people buy, like Campbell's soup and Pepsodent.
Ugh, I don't even want to smell sparkling apple juice again.
Homer: What's wrong, old friend? Can't sleep? (his stomach is rumbling) Aww. Would some warm beer settle you down? (his stomach continues rumbling) Uh-oh. (gets up and runs off) Those barley burgers were tainted! Why did I eat twelve of them?! Why?! (runs to a bathroom door, only to find Marge using it)
Marge: Taken!
[Homer shuts the bathroom door, and runs upstairs to another bathroom door, only to find Bart using it.]
Bart: Occupied!
[Homer runs to another bathroom door, only to find Lisa using it.]
Lisa: Hurling!
[Homer runs, looks both ways, runs into Lisa's bedroom, and vomits into her saxophone; his mouth gets stuck trying to get it out.]
Homer: Uh-oh!
Bart: Get a room!
Homer: Come on boy, be cool.
Bart: But-
Homer: Be cool or you're grounded!
Bart: (crying) I can't believe Jenny dumped me.
Homer: Now, now, boy. Girls come and go, but you'll always have your family.
Bart: Ahhhh! (starts sobbing loudly)
Homer: (also starts sobbing) You're right! You're right!
Jenny: Are you saying our entire relationship is based on lies?
Bart: Not our entire relationship. Just the stuff I said.
(Picking out a Tuxedo for Bart. He doesn't look pleased with his puffy shirt tuxedo.)
Bart: (frowning) Isn't this shirt kinda gay?
Clerk: Last time I checked, pirates weren't gay.
Homer: Eww, how'd you check?
Bart: I can't believe we have to start another year at school. I never learned anything at that suck shack.
Homer: Hey! Who taught you language like that?
Bart: Kid at school.
Homer: So you did learn something!
Lisa: You can't keep Juliet and me apart! I'll... I'll disobey!
Marge: I'm Bart Simpson's mother, do you think you've got any tricks I haven't seen. ((Leaves the room)
((Lisa climbs out the window and slides down the tree only to land in a laundry basket being held by Marge)
Marge: Bart Simpson: Age 3. (Both go back inside)
(Bart comes out of a hidden door in the tree dressed in black)
Bart Simpson: Age 10. Mhwahahahaha!
