Two and a Half Men

Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two and a half men
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Berta: Just out of curiosity, what the hell happened in your brother's bathroom?
Alan: Nothing.
Jake: Dad was wrestling on the floor with a naked lady.
Berta: The quiet ones are always the freaks

Berta: I guess if they can put a man on the moon, they can put a woman on your brother. Who's the girl?
Charlie: I don't know. He met her at the supermarket. Helped her pick out corn.
Berta: Corn? Well, I'm not in any position to judge. I once did a guy for a tank of gas

Daisy: I'm staying at a motel tonight.
Berta: Good idea, maybe you'll meet your next husband on the walk there

Berta: There you go, Elvis, peanut butter and bananas.
Jake: My mom cuts it diagonally.
Berta: Yeah? Well, that's the way I learned to cut it in prison.
Jake: Thank you?

Berta: Alan? I got a riddle for you: What's short, sticky, picky, and only supposed to be here on weekends? I'll give you a hint: It's your kid

Berta: Charlie, you got somebody in there?
Charlie: Uh, no.
Berta: I need to get your towels.
Charlie: Uh, I really wish you wouldn't.
Berta: Come on, I'm doing laundry. I want to finish a load before I go.
Charlie: Yeah, well, me too.
Berta: What?
Charlie: Never mind. Just go away!
Berta: All right. If it helps, you can think of me.

Berta: Please, if my kids were going to bed at seven, I'd dip myself in gravy and danced naked on the rooftop.
Charlie: She does make a hell of a gravy

Berta: Did you check to see if he's constipated?
Alan: Berta, his mother and I are going thorough a divorce and there's a lot of emotions he hasn't processed.
Berta: Maybe so, but there's also a lot of sting cheese he hasn't processed

Berta: I hope you don't mind, but I talked to him before he went to sleep last night.
Charlie: What did you say?
Berta: I said, uh, "drink this bottle of prune juice"

Berta [trying to convince Alan Jake is constipated]: I'm telling you, my youngest once ate a whole can of Play-Doh—stopped her up for two weeks!
Alan: All right, Berta.
Berta: She finally pooped out a whole ashtray.
Alan: Berta!
Berta: That was the day I quit smoking

Berta: Nothing exciting happening in your world, Charlie?
Charlie: Like what?
Berta: Oh... I don't know. Go to a fun party, see a great movie, run into an old flame with a new wick

Charlie: I got a little e-mail this morning from an old girlfriend who says she needs to "see me."
Berta: No kidding? I wonder if she's "knocked up."
Charlie: Nobody's knocked up. I haven't heard from her in three years.
Berta: So she's bringing you a four-year-old

Displaying quotes 133 - 144 of 151 in total

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

Lyndsey: Oh, God. You saw "Cinnamon's Buns?"
Charlie: Not all the way through. Though I'm very familiar with the bakery shop scene in the middle. You know, with the frosting gun?