Berta: I don't mind your girlfriends throwing the occasional thong or panties into the hamper. I just fold them and sell them at the swap meet, but this broad is taking advantage of my easygoing nature.
Charlie: Now to be fair, Lydia does have her positive attributes.
Berta: Yeah, well, I ain't hitting any of them attributes, so I don't give a rat's ass.
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Lydia: Berta, I'd like some scrambled egg whites, dry wheat toast, and Earl Grey tea.
Berta: Oh, yeah? Well, I'd like some new shoes, a jet pack, and a waistline
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Lydia: I'm serving hors d'oeuvres at an open house tomorrow so I'm gonna need to borrow Berta for a couple of hours.
Berta: Say what?
Lydia: I'm talking to Charlie. You don't mind do you?
Charlie: Mind, well I, uh...
Berta: You wanna borrow me? What am I, a carpet steamer?
Lydia: I'm not saying I won't pay you, plus you can take home all the leftovers.
Berta: Oh, gee, why don't you just toss 'em all in a big bowl and I'll eat 'em out in the yard.
Lydia: Well, that's just a little uncalled for. I thought I was doing you a favor.
Berta: You wanna do me a favor? You take the money that you were gonna pay me, convert it into rolls of nickels, then bend over
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Charlie: You're right! I am addicted! I have a vagina on my back, but I know I can get it off! I mean, you gotta help me.
Berta: I can't help you, pal, you gotta help yourself.
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Charlie, Alan, I'd like you to meet my youngest daughter Naomi. The light of my life. A little angel who swooped down from Heaven and landed on a married man's penis
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Berta: You still have to go?
Charlie: Well, yeah, it doesn't evaporate. Can't we pull over for a minute?
Berta: In this neighborhood, in a Mercedes? Sure, if you're partial to car theft and sodomy
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Alan: They fired you for being pregnant?
Naomi: Yep! Being pregnant...and stealing a few office supplies.
Berta: Eight computers and a Xerox machine.
Naomi: Not all at once!
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Bertha: Come on here, zippy!
Alan [to Naomi]: Zippy is a name she calls me because I'm... quick! [to Berta]: What?!
Bertha: What do you think you are doing? I'm trying to teach that girl responsibility! I want her to make some money from a dignified job.
Alan: Oh, please, what dignity can a woman have from making laundry and cleaning toilets? ...I...I...I'll tell you what dignity! One really good one, the best there is. I take my hat off, and goodnight
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Berta: Chose your words carefully, slim
Lydia: Slim? Why, thank you. I watch what I eat.
Berta: Going in or coming out?
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