Two and a Half Men

Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two and a half men
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Berta: Here, this is for you.
Alan: Um, thank you? And I didn't get you anything...
Berta: It's your kid's toilet seat. It's obviously in his way, and I'm tired of cleaning it!
Alan: Oh, come on, Berta, he's eleven.
Berta: He's a pig

Alan [about Jake being a slob]: I'll talk to him.
Berta: Well, while you're at it, you may want to mention the half-eaten egg salad sandwiches in his toy chest, the dead marine life in the back of his closet, and the booger collection under his bed!
Alan: I'll do my best to address your concerns.
Berta: Don't condescend to me, Zippy. I'll snap you like a butter bean

Charlie [in pain on the floor]: New plan—I need someone who can give me drugs.
Berta: I'm not holding, but I can make a coupla calls.
Alan: Drugs just mask the problem.
Charlie: Fine. Mask it. Throw a cape on it, and let it fight crime. I just want it to go away

Berta: Show of hands—who spent their day pre-soaking the shorts of a kid who leaves more skid marks than a getaway car? [Berta raises her hand] That's what I thought. Now, if you ladies will excuse me. I have three buses to catch. [Berta leaves]
Charlie: I bet she catches them by hand

Berta: Oh, damn it.
Charlie: What?
Berta: The sink's stopped up again. That kid still doesn't know the difference between the garbage disposal and the drain.
Charlie: What do you want? He's eleven.
Berta: That's no excuse. If he can't tell which hole is which at his age, he's headed for big trouble down the line

Berta [regarding Judith]: What are you, a farm animal?
Charlie: What?
Berta: That is your brother's ex-wife out there.
Charlie: I know who she is. Oh, no, no. She's just staying here because of the earthquake. I'm not. I would never. I couldn't. [Charlie takes a peep at Judith on his deck in her bikini) Okay, maybe I could, but I'm not.
Berta: Yeah, that's what I used to say about my stepbrother, Cousin Dewey

Berta [about Judith]: You're not really thinking about going back, are you?
Alan: I don't know. She wants to, but I'm torn.
Berta: You're not torn, you're gutless. Do you still love her?
Alan: Of course I do. I mean, you know, we've been through a lot of things together. She's the mother of my son.
Berta: Okay, listen to me Zippy. If that's all it took to make a marriage, I'd have a husband for each one of my tattoos

Alan: My failed marriage is like a dead dog. But it serves as fertilizer for the shrub, which represents my new life. So if I try to revitalize the marriage, you know, digging up the dog, then I'm killing the shrub, which is me.
Berta: Like you said, it's apt.
Alan: Thank you Berta, you're a very insightful woman.
Berta: I know. In a just world, you'll be washing my shorts

Berta: Last chance to see those tattoos!
Alan: No, thanks.
Berta: I can make the road runner do jumping jacks!

Alan: Did you know Rose has a master's degree in psychology?
Berta: Did you know I'm a founding member of the mile high club?
Alan: No.
Berta: Yeah, me and Orville at Kitty Hawk

Berta: So you want to know what goes on underneath this rough exterior. Whether somewhere inside me there is a tiny little girl that wanted to be a famous ballerina.
Alan: Is there?
Berta: If there is, it is because I accidentally ate her and I haven't passed her yet. I'm telling you, I'm dreading that tiara

Charlie: So what do you think?
Berta: About what?
Charlie: Lisa, me, the kid.
Berta: Ok, let's see now... This is the same women you've broken up and gotten back together with for years, right?
Charlie: Right.
Berta: And she turned you down in order to marry somebody else?
Charlie: Yes.
Berta: And then the marriage fell apart and now she got his baby?
Charlie: Ya.
Berta: Sounds perfect. Go for it!

Displaying quotes 121 - 132 of 151 in total

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: You're like an Alzheimer's patient in a whorehouse.
Alan: What do you mean?
Charlie: You're constantly surprised that you're getting screwed, and you don't want to pay for it