Two and a Half Men

Berta Quotes (Page 13)

Berta: Here, this is for you.
Alan: Um, thank you? And I didn't get you anything...
Berta: It's your kid's toilet seat. It's obviously in his way, and I'm tired of cleaning it!
Alan: Oh, come on, Berta, he's eleven.
Berta: He's a pig
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan [about Jake being a slob]: I'll talk to him.
Berta: Well, while you're at it, you may want to mention the half-eaten egg salad sandwiches in his toy chest, the dead marine life in the back of his closet, and the booger collection under his bed!
Alan: I'll do my best to address your concerns.
Berta: Don't condescend to me, Zippy. I'll snap you like a butter bean
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie [in pain on the floor]: New plan—I need someone who can give me drugs.
Berta: I'm not holding, but I can make a coupla calls.
Alan: Drugs just mask the problem.
Charlie: Fine. Mask it. Throw a cape on it, and let it fight crime. I just want it to go away
 • Rating: Unrated

Berta: Show of hands—who spent their day pre-soaking the shorts of a kid who leaves more skid marks than a getaway car? [Berta raises her hand] That's what I thought. Now, if you ladies will excuse me. I have three buses to catch. [Berta leaves]
Charlie: I bet she catches them by hand
 • Rating: Unrated

Berta: Oh, damn it.
Charlie: What?
Berta: The sink's stopped up again. That kid still doesn't know the difference between the garbage disposal and the drain.
Charlie: What do you want? He's eleven.
Berta: That's no excuse. If he can't tell which hole is which at his age, he's headed for big trouble down the line
 • Rating: Unrated

Berta [regarding Judith]: What are you, a farm animal?
Charlie: What?
Berta: That is your brother's ex-wife out there.
Charlie: I know who she is. Oh, no, no. She's just staying here because of the earthquake. I'm not. I would never. I couldn't. [Charlie takes a peep at Judith on his deck in her bikini) Okay, maybe I could, but I'm not.
Berta: Yeah, that's what I used to say about my stepbrother, Cousin Dewey
 • Rating: Unrated

Berta [about Judith]: You're not really thinking about going back, are you?
Alan: I don't know. She wants to, but I'm torn.
Berta: You're not torn, you're gutless. Do you still love her?
Alan: Of course I do. I mean, you know, we've been through a lot of things together. She's the mother of my son.
Berta: Okay, listen to me Zippy. If that's all it took to make a marriage, I'd have a husband for each one of my tattoos
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: My failed marriage is like a dead dog. But it serves as fertilizer for the shrub, which represents my new life. So if I try to revitalize the marriage, you know, digging up the dog, then I'm killing the shrub, which is me.
Berta: Like you said, it's apt.
Alan: Thank you Berta, you're a very insightful woman.
Berta: I know. In a just world, you'll be washing my shorts
 • Rating: Unrated

Berta: Last chance to see those tattoos!
Alan: No, thanks.
Berta: I can make the road runner do jumping jacks!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: Did you know Rose has a master's degree in psychology?
Berta: Did you know I'm a founding member of the mile high club?
Alan: No.
Berta: Yeah, me and Orville at Kitty Hawk
 • Rating: Unrated

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