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Two-and-a-half-men

This guy is like genital herpes. once you got him, you get him for life.

Alan: Then we went skinny dipping. Who's idea was that?
Berta: Mine.

Alan: I hope it works out with your granddaughters.
Berta: They're 15 years old and pregnant. What should they look forward to - the next season of "Teen Mom?"

Alan: You're going to lose quite a bit of money by pulling out early.
Berta: Yeah well if Jimmy Lee did the same, I wouldn't need the money.

Charlie: Berta, are you seeing this? Am I dreaming?
Berta: Do you have the Kardashian sisters under the table?
Charlie: No.
Berta: Then you're not dreaming.

Berta: I also found a half written suicide note in your brother's handwriting. Should I be nervous?
Charlie: You mean that he won't get through with it?

Alan: What's wrong with him?
Berta: Classic case of va-jay-jay fever.
Alan: Colorfully put. I'm just surprised to see Charlie fall for it.
Berta: Sooner or later all men fall for it. How do you think I got my condo in Palm Springs?
Alan: You have a condo in Palm Springs?
Berta: No, figure of speech. Don't try to stop by.

I've been looking forward to this all year... giving you guys the bird.

Jake: Uncle Charlie in there?
Berta: Yep.
Jake: Drunk?
Berta: Hammered.
Jake: You clean him out?
Berta: Would I do that to my little buddy?

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