Two and a Half Men

Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two and a half men

Berta: Where you going?
Charlie: Out for a swim
Alan: You never go in the water.
Charlie: That's because I'm not a good swimmer.
Alan: You don't think he's gonna?
Berta: I dunno?
Alan: Charlie, stop this!
Berta: Charlie! Come back it's not that bad!
Alan: Come on, Charlie! You still have your family!
Berta: Very smart, now he's sprinting.

Berta: It's none of my business, but that's one kid who can't afford to miss a day of school.
Charlie: Yeah, like school's gonna make a difference.
(staple gun is heard)
Jake: Oh, crap, I stapled my fingers together!
Berta: You got a point.

Berta: Who's the Smurf?
Alan: The "Smurf" is my receptionist.
Berta: You're letting Charlie hit that?

Berta: (reading title of book) Cooking for Dummies.
Charlie: No offense, Jake, I'm actually cooking for everybody.

Man, you'll do anything not to kick in a little rent, won't you?

Berta [to Alan after seeing him in bed with Charlie]

What's bugging you, Zippy? Your blow-up doll run off with a pool toy?

Berta: So who do you suppose was smoking Teddy's sausage?
Courtney: Berta, that is my father in there!
Berta: OK, so who do you suppose was smoking your father's sausage?

Charlie: We've got a real problem here.
Berta: What do you mean "we?" [walks away]

Alan: Berta, have you noticed anything different about Charlie lately?
Berta: What do you mean?
Alan: Well, he's always been promiscuous, but I'm starting to think I should hide my bowling ball.

Berta: So, Zippy's getting a hooker?
Charlie: It would appear so.
Berta: Talk about earning your money.

Berta: What's wrong with you?
Charlie: I caught something.
Berta: There's a surprise.

Alan: I loved Charity Kirschenbaum and you stole her right out from under me!
Berta: He's speaking metaphorically, right?
Charlie: Yeah... he was never on top of that.

Displaying quotes 37 - 48 of 151 in total

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

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