Berta: Where you going?
Charlie: Out for a swim
Alan: You never go in the water.
Charlie: That's because I'm not a good swimmer.
Alan: You don't think he's gonna?
Berta: I dunno?
Alan: Charlie, stop this!
Berta: Charlie! Come back it's not that bad!
Alan: Come on, Charlie! You still have your family!
Berta: Very smart, now he's sprinting.
Berta: It's none of my business, but that's one kid who can't afford to miss a day of school.
Charlie: Yeah, like school's gonna make a difference.
(staple gun is heard)
Jake: Oh, crap, I stapled my fingers together!
Berta: You got a point.
Berta: Who's the Smurf?
Alan: The "Smurf" is my receptionist.
Berta: You're letting Charlie hit that?
Berta: (reading title of book) Cooking for Dummies.
Charlie: No offense, Jake, I'm actually cooking for everybody.
Man, you'll do anything not to kick in a little rent, won't you?Berta [to Alan after seeing him in bed with Charlie]
What's bugging you, Zippy? Your blow-up doll run off with a pool toy?
Berta: So who do you suppose was smoking Teddy's sausage?
Courtney: Berta, that is my father in there!
Berta: OK, so who do you suppose was smoking your father's sausage?
Charlie: We've got a real problem here.
Berta: What do you mean "we?" [walks away]
Alan: Berta, have you noticed anything different about Charlie lately?
Berta: What do you mean?
Alan: Well, he's always been promiscuous, but I'm starting to think I should hide my bowling ball.
Berta: So, Zippy's getting a hooker?
Charlie: It would appear so.
Berta: Talk about earning your money.
Berta: What's wrong with you?
Charlie: I caught something.
Berta: There's a surprise.
Alan: I loved Charity Kirschenbaum and you stole her right out from under me!
Berta: He's speaking metaphorically, right?
Charlie: Yeah... he was never on top of that.