Brian Griffin Quotes
(Stewie drags in a wagon full of weapons)
Brian: What are you doing?
Stewie: I'll teach that hussy to go on a boat ride without me. When she returns, I'm going to put bamboo splinters under all her finger nails. Then I'm gonna strip her down and tie her to the bed.
Stewie: Then I'm going to make her crawl on her hands and knees while I drip hot candle wax all over her back.
Brian: Uh, and then what are you going to do?
Stewie: Uhh, let's see.
Brian: You gonna shower her off after all that candle wax?
Stewie: No, I'm gonna keep her filthy!
Brian: Yeah, she's been a bad girl
Stewie: And then I'm gonna gag her with her own brazier.
Brian: No, no nothing, nothing. That's all part of your diabolical plan to...humiliate her.
Stewie: Yes, yes, she'll be humiliated.
Brian: Maybe you'll handcuff her, she'll hate that.
Stewie: Then I shall do that as well.
Brian: And call her a bitch.
Stewie: Until I'm hoarse with rage!
Brian: Maybe smack her ass with a riding crop.
Stewie: Yes, and then-- what?
Brian: No I mean that would like, t-- that would show her.
Stewie: Are y-? You're getting some kind of sick sexual thrill off of this aren't you?!
Brian: Who cares?! You're not gonna kill her anyway. You're gonna bitch and moan, and then you're gonna do what you always do. The minute Lois walks through that door you're gonna forget all about it, beg for your apple juice, go poop and fall asleep.
- Permalink: What are you doing? I'll teach that hussy to go on a boat ride...
Judge: Mr. Foreman, how say you?
Foreman: We find Peter Griffin guilty of murder in the first degree.
Peter: Oh no!
Bruce: Oh no!
Brian: Oh no!
Meg: Oh no!
Chris: Oh No!
Kool-Aid Guy: (Crashes through courtroom wall) Oh yeaaaah!
(slowly backs out)
Judge: Okay, can I ask everyone to please stop saying "Oh no" in this courtroom? Cause the f***ing Kool-Aid Guy's gonna keep showin' up. Thank you.
- Permalink: Mr. Foreman, how say you? We find Peter Griffin guilty of murd...
Stewie: You know, Meg has really flourished since Lois was murdered.
Brian: What are you talking about? Lois's death was an accident.
Stewie: Which is just what someone who pulled off the perfect murder would want you to think.
Brian: What the hell are you - Stewie, did you kill Lois?
Stewie: Of course I didn't, Brian. Remember what you said? I'm all talk. I wouldn't possibly go through with it. I just poop and fall asleep.
Brian: Oh my God. You did it. You actually did it.
(Stewie's head has spun half way around)
Stewie: Oh God, I really screwed myself up here. Listen, could you reach into my pocket and get the number for that accupuncturist?
Brian: You son of a bitch, you killed Lois!
Stewie: Good luck proving that Brian. But seriously, get that number.
Brian: Well, I am going to expose you for what you are. No matter what it takes. You are gonna pay for this!
- Permalink: You know, Meg has really flourished since Lois was murdered. W...
(Brian and Jillian are having sex)
Brian: Oh, yeah. You like that, huh?
Jillian: Yeah, it's rad!
Brian: Please don't talk.
- Permalink: Oh, yeah. You like that, huh? Yeah, it's rad! Please don't t...
Jillian: Brian, did you know that Daryl Hannah has one wooden finger?
Brian: Really? Where'd you read that?
Jillian: In Pee-opple Magazine.
- Permalink: Brian, did you know that Daryl Hannah has one wooden finger? R...
Brian: She's gone. Jillian's gone.
Stewie: Look Brian, I know you're upset now, but I think it's important to see things in perspective. Remember when Alex P. Keaton lost his girlfriend, and then he got another one and everything was alright? And then he got Parkinson's...yikes.
- Permalink: She's gone. Jillian's gone. Look Brian, I know you're upset no...
Brian: (answers door) Stewie, hey, what's up?
Stewie: Oh, I was just on my way back from the cobbler. Figured before I stopped by the apothecary I'd come here, and then its off to the haberdasher. These turn of the century business jokes doing anything for ya?
Brian: Not really.
Seamus: (to Stewie, from down the hall) Did ya use the jokes?
Stewie: Yeah, they're not landing.
- Permalink: Stewie, hey, what's up? Oh, I was just on my way back from the...
(Power goes out, the whole family gasps)
Lois: Oh my god, the power's out.
Chris: What are we gonna do now?
Brian: Well, we could light some candles and read.
(rest of the family pauses before breaking out in laughter)
Chris: Yeah right.
Stewie: Yeah that'd be great.
Peter: Yeah, read the inside of my butt.
- Permalink: Oh my god, the power's out. What are we gonna do now? Well, ...
Chris (Luke): Look at this! Who throws out half a pizza?
Peter (Han): And look at this couch. Sombody threw out a whole couch and it's in great shape.
Brian (Chewbacca): Yeah, put a little Febreeze on that, scrub it out a little bit, it'd look great in your appartment.
Peter (Han): You know what? I know we got a dangerous job to do here, but... I'm taking this. I'm taking this couch.
- Permalink: Look at this! Who throws out half a pizza? And look at this co...
Brian: You ever hear of the theory that if you kill a butterfly in the past, it can drastically alter the present? Well who knows what else we changed.
(Peter turns the TV on)
Announcer: Tonight on the Tonight Show, movie star George Clooney.
Peter: Oh, he's good.
Announcer: Comedian Dave Chappelle.
Brian: He's funny, like him.
Announcer: And musician Harry Connick Jr.
Peter: Wow, what a show.
Announcer: And now, ladies and gentleman, heeeeeeeeeere's Chevy!
Peter: Oh god Brian, we messed up bad! We messed up real bad!
- Permalink: You ever hear of the theory that if you kill a butterfly in the ...
(to 18 year old Lois) Could I 'Wham' my 'Oingo Boingo' into your 'Velvet Underground'?
- Permalink: Could I 'Wham' my 'Oingo Boingo' into your 'Velvet Underground'?
Radio: Stay tuned for President Ronald Reagan's weekly radio address.
Peter: Ronald Reagan? The actor? He's president?
Brian: Peter, you're the one from the future, you should know - ah, forget it.
- Permalink: Stay tuned for President Ronald Reagan's weekly radio address. ...
Peter, are you just trying to take a knee until the end of the show? Peter that's not gonna work, you can't just --Lois
Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)
- Permalink: Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy!...