Brian Griffin Quotes
(Brian and Stewie are in the bathroom, staring at the toilet)
Brian: How do you think it works?
Stewie: I have no idea.
Brian: Look, Lois told me I had to start using the toilet, and you're the one who's had potty-training, so I'm counting on you to help me.
Stewie: Alright, we're two intelligent guys, we can figure this out.
(they walk toward the toilet)
Brian: What's that big back part?
Stewie: (nervously) Maybe that's where the wizard lives who operates this thing. It would be wise not to anger him.
Brian: (reaching for the flush handle) I wonder what this thing is for.
Stewie: Brian! Be careful with that, we don't know what it does.
Brian: (sighs) Alright, here goes.
Stewie: Oh god, oh god, careful, careful, careful, careful!
(Brian flushes the toilet, they both run out of the bathroom, Stewie yelling and Brian barking)
- Permalink: How do you think it works? I have no idea. Look, Lois told m...
(Brian is sitting on the toilet)
Lois: Well, look at you using the toilet. I am so proud of you.
Brian: Hey, well you deserve all the praise for encouraging me to do it.
Lois: Well still, good for you.
(Lois leaves, and Stewie enters)
Stewie: So, where are you really doin' your business?
Brian: Oh, I found a place.
(Scene cuts to Adam West's mansion, he walks near some bushes
Adam West: Well I'll be damned, and they called me crazy; "You can't plant sausage seeds" they said, well look at this!
- Permalink: Well, look at you using the toilet. I am so proud of you. Hey,...
Bill Clinton: All right, are you ready for another round of N.A.F.T.A
Lois Griffin: What does N.A.F.T.A. mean?
Bill Clinton: 'Nother Afternoon of F****** That Ass!
- Permalink: All right, are you ready for another round of N.A.F.T.A What d...
Lois: (Enters through front door.) Brian, what is this on my shoe?
Brian: My poop.
Lois: (Takes tissue and wipes shoe.) That's right and it's disgusting. I am sick of you using the front yard as your bathroom. It's time you learn to use the toilet like everyone else.
Stewie: Uh, I'm going to sneeze. I'm going to sneeze. I'm going to sneeze. I'm going to sneeze. (Sneezes on tissue with Brian's poop and looks at it.) Ahhhhh! (Runs away.)
- Permalink: Brian, what is this on my shoe? My poop. That's right and ...
Peter: Hello flabby, out of shape family. Check out my bulging ripplyness.
Brian: Peter, you've been to the gym once... for fifteen minutes.
Peter: And I'm fifteen minutes stronger Brian. I'd rip a phone book in half, but for the life of me, I don't know anyone who uses a phone book anymore. So I'll use Meg's laptop.
(proceeds to completely destroy Meg's laptop)
- Permalink: Hello flabby, out of shape family. Check out my bulging ripplyne...
(Peter spits tobacco on the floor)
Brian: Peter, that's disgusting. Here, spit in this cup instead.
(Peter spits in cup and puts it on the arm of the couch)
Stewie: Oh, there's my apple juice.
Brian: Stewie, wait don't-
(Flashback to Stewie beating Brian)
Stewie: Where's my money? You gonna give me my money?
Brian: Oh, nevermind.
(Stewie drinks from the cup and starts yelling)
- Permalink: Peter, that's disgusting. Here, spit in this cup instead. Oh...
Lois: Glen, we're so thrilled for you.
Brian: Yeah. Guess it didn't take much for you to get your job back, now that you're a hero.
Peter: And I'm so happy, I don't mind that I was raped in a federal prison after being arrested for hijacking!
- Permalink: Glen, we're so thrilled for you. Yeah. Guess it didn't take mu...
(Brian is teaching Stewie to ballroom dance)
Brian: If you're going to make me do this, at least let me lead.
Stewie: Okay, fine. (they move close together) I love you.
Stewie: Olive juice.
Brian: "Olive juice"?
Stewie: "Olive juice" you, too!
- Permalink: If you're going to make me do this, at least let me lead. Okay...
Brian: You're talking out of your ass!
Stewie: It doesn't matter Brian, I'm tan! Hey, Brian, Brian, Brian... Look at my tan walk!
- Permalink: You're talking out of your ass! It doesn't matter Brian, I'm t...
Brian: Well, that's it for the list.
Stewie: Not quite Brian. There's one more thing I need you to do before I die. (Hands Brian a pencil and a pad of paper) Write down my final thoughts?
Brian: Oh, come on!
Stewie: (Softly) I don't have much time.
Stewie: Oh squiggly line in my eye fluid. I see you lurking there on the peripherie of my vision. But when I try to look at you, you scurry away. Are you shy, squiggly line? Why only when I ignore you, do you return to the center of my eye? Oh, squiggly line, it's alright, you are forgiven.
- Permalink: Well, that's it for the list. Not quite Brian. There's one mor...
(Stewie is standing in the mirror, peeling off his dead skin)
Stewie: Hey Brian, you want some Stewie jerky?
- Permalink: Ewww! Hey Brian, you want some Stewie jerky?
(Brian is taking the trash out, and hears music)
Brian: Stewie, what are you doing?
Stewie: Just gettin' my bronze on baby. Hey, what do you think of my recumbent tan pose? Huh, legs probably spread a little wider than they ought to be, but who gives a damn. This is just tan Stewie being tan Stewie. Check me out Brian.
(Stewie grabs a Tab soda from a cooler and drinks it so the label is showing, then turns to the camera and smiles)
- Permalink: Stewie, what are you doing? Just gettin' my bronze on baby. He...