Favorite Charlie Harper Quotes
Alan: The man who was asked to leave Bangkok for moral turpitude finds this distasteful?
Charlie: That was a misunderstanding. I had no idea it was an endangered species.
Alan: Nothing I'm doing requires a ten day quarantine and a series of rabies shots.
Alan [after finding his mother's bra in Charlie's car]: Holy mother of God!
Charlie: No, no, unholy mother of us!
Dr: What do you consider being truly intimate with a woman?
Charlie: Not using a condom?
Lady: Oh my god, you threw up on my baby!
Charlie: To be fair, I don't think the carrots were mine.
I saw your commercial for the shake weight. My brother does basically the same thing in the shower every night. He has absolutely no muscle definition in his arms.
We all want the shining red apple, but sometimes we got to settle for what's on the lower branch, or in some cases we take what's lying on the ground
Everyone has a little baggage. I drink and try to mouth kiss hookers. You, you're cheap annoying and no one like you.
And you call yourself a drummer. Keith Moon is vomitting in his grave.
My past is divided between things I can't remember and things I don't want to and you're both.
Alan: What's the forecast?
Charlie: High tonight, low tomorrow, 100% chance of hangover.
Charlie: Look, I'm sorry I lost my temper.
Jake: I'm sorry you slipped in dog crap when you were chasing me
Charlie: Tell you what. I'll trade you, site unseen, my mom for yours
Chelsea: Charlie..
Charlie: I'll even throw in Alan and a couple of Omaha Steaks
