Favorite Charlie Harper Quotes
If you can't afford dog food, don't get a dog
Charlie: I gotta figure out a way to get Gail to leave on her own.
Berta: You got the perfect tool for the job.
Charlie: What are you talking about?
Berta: The one tool that's guaranteed to drive any woman out of the house.
Alan [entering the room]: Hello.
Berta: Oh look, it's an Alan wrench.
Charlie: I want the good stuff! I want cheese that isn't air-dropped into Third World countries! I want ouchless toilet paper! I want vodka that doesn't look like Fred Flintstone would drink it! I want my life back.
Alan: Fine. Then swallow your pride, call Mom, and ask her to lend you some money.
Charlie [opening the bottle of generic vodka]: Yabba-dabba-doo.
Charlie: I am not middle aged.
Alan: Oh, I'm sorry...
Charlie: You, you're middle aged!
Alan: I'm younger than you...
Charlie: You're also broke, losing your hair, and sleeping in my hide-a-bed.
Alan: You always gotta bring a gun to a knife fight don't you?
Alan: This may be your house, but this is my son.
Charlie: But you've been living here for seven years, which makes us a common law couple, which makes him our kid.
Charlie: I think they got the place to themselves, so he might get a little "Peace on Earth" tonight.
Alan: How do you make everything sound dirty?
Charlie:: Hey, I took the high road. I could have gone with "Come All Ye Faithful."
I slept with a woman who wanted to be a man. Or, I slept with a man in a woman's body. Or, and this is my new favorite and the title of my autobiography, my mom and I slept with the same dude!
Charlie [about Jake]: If he can score just once before I die then my life will have been worthwhile.
Berta: Then you might want to start eating healthier.
It's show business, Alan. You don't tell people the truth
Charlie: Berta, my hair is important to me.
Berta: Alright, don't get your panties in a bunch.
Charlie: What's that supposed to mean?
Berta: It means, "don't get so agitated that your undergarments become entangled within your crack."
Alan: Sex is not what the group's about.
Charlie: Oh, grow up. You put single men and women on folding chairs in a church basement they're going to start mounting each other
Berta: Come on Charlie. The only difference, between those two broads, is that you came out of one and you...
Charlie: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
