Charlie Harper Quotes
Yeah, hi. I'm watching your commercial cash for gold and you just showed a woman selling her wedding ring for $500. No, I don't want to sell gold, I want to meet her. She's hot and we know her marriage isn't working out.
Alan: Iced tea?
Charlie: I decided when you try to mail your pants to a garment inspector in Malaysia, it's time to quit drinking.
Alan: Some might have said that day come and went when you gave yourself that haircut.
Alan: Yours?
Charlie: Alan, she's like sixteen.
Alan: And, again, I ask, hoping I don't get called to testify, yours?
Charlie: Think it through Alan, for what possible activity would I need my pants off an my shoes on?
Alan: I dunno, chasing a reluctant hooker?
Charlie: Can't rule it out.
Alan: I guess a little morning quickie is out of the question?
Charlie: if you can do it without waking me up... you're not realy thinking about it are you?
Jake: What's that?
Charlie: A birthday present for Chelsea.
Jake: But I thought you guys broke up.
Charlie: Yeah well I bought it a couple months ago.
Jake: Why?
Charlie: Because I thought that's when her birthday was. Turns out I confused it with St. Patrick's Day.
Alan: I did buy her a nice scarf.
Charlie: Will it support your weight from a shower rod?
Alan: ...and maybe Saturday, a date.
Charlie: You're calling those magazines dates now?
Jake: I like German cars.
Charlie: Well if keep your nose clean and work hard, you may be able to park them for a living.
Don't take this the wrong way, but I'd rather get a maple syrup enema and sit on an ant pile.
Alan: You might want to eat something so when you throw up later, it won't just be alcohol and stomach juice.
Charlie: Way ahead of you. (holds up drink) I call it an Egg McBorboun.
Prostitute: What's my role in this?
Charlie: You don't think I'm a good role model, yet paradoxically you want to have kids with me.
