Two and a Half Men

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Charlie Harper Quotes (Page 9)

Season 8, Episode 2: "A Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer"

Charlie: My past is divided between things I can't remember and things I don't want to and you're both.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: Everyone has a little baggage. I drink and try to mouth kiss hookers. You, you're cheap annoying and no one like you.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: What's not to love?
Charlie: I dunno, her mood swings, her idiot teenage son and the fact you need a muscle relaxer, a bottle of wine and a jackhammer to get her off.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: Yeah, hi. I'm watching your commercial cash for gold and you just showed a woman selling her wedding ring for $500. No, I don't want to sell gold, I want to meet her. She's hot and we know her marriage isn't working out.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Season 8, Episode 1: "Three Girls and a Guy Named Bud"

Alan: Iced tea?
Charlie: I decided when you try to mail your pants to a garment inspector in Malaysia, it's time to quit drinking.
Alan: Some might have said that day come and went when you gave yourself that haircut.
• Rating: 4.3 / 5.0

Alan: Yours?
Charlie: Alan, she's like sixteen.
Alan: And, again, I ask, hoping I don't get called to testify, yours?
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: Think it through Alan, for what possible activity would I need my pants off an my shoes on?
Alan: I dunno, chasing a reluctant hooker?
Charlie: Can't rule it out.
• Rating: Unrated

Alan: I guess a little morning quickie is out of the question?
Charlie: if you can do it without waking me up... you're not realy thinking about it are you?
• Rating: Unrated

Season 7, Episode 21: "This Is Not Gonna End Well"

Jake: What's that?
Charlie: A birthday present for Chelsea.
Jake: But I thought you guys broke up.
Charlie: Yeah well I bought it a couple months ago.
Jake: Why?
Charlie: Because I thought that's when her birthday was. Turns out I confused it with St. Patrick's Day.
• Rating: Unrated