Charlie Harper Quotes
Prostitue: What kind of sex does charlie want?
Charlie: Oh i get to choose? It's kind of like Baskin Robbins. You know if they charged $1,000 a scoop.
Alan: Now, to the issue of underage drinking. Not only is it against the law, alcohol destroys brain cells.
Charlie: Alan, you gotta tailor the pitch to the audience.
Alan: What do you mean?
Charlie: Forget brain cells. Jake, listen to me, this is very important. Alcohol can make it tough to get a boner.
Jake: You're kidding?
Charlie: I can't tell you how many times I've said, "this has never happened before."
Jake: I'm never gonna drink again.
Charlie: Quitter.
Alan: Charlie...
Charlie: Oh right, atta boy.
This is a hot divorced mother from the valley, you're going to need three penises and a jumper cable to get her attention.
Piece of tail always trumps peace of mind, doesn't it?
Berta: When I came down here I was hoping to be a dancer.
Charlie: Really?
Berta: Yeah, then I met pot and donuts. Before I knew it I was scrubbing toilets and hosing teenage barf out of wicker baskets.
And you call yourself a drummer. Keith Moon is vomitting in his grave.
Charlie: Who the hell are you?
Jake: Oh, this is my friend Eldrige, he plays that drums.
Charlie: Okay, that explains the attitude.
Eldridge: What, are you ragging on my name?
Charlie: No, I'm ragging on your instrument, now beat it.
Chelsea: I should never have let you go.
Charlie: Sometimes you can't appreciate what you got until you go to Mexico and don't have sex with a momma's boy.
Charlie: What is that?
Alan: A portable massage table.
Charlie: So what are you giving rub and tugs on the pier now?
Alan: Let me get this one.
Charlie: Really? You're not going for the world record?
Alan: What are you talking about?
Charlie: 1647 meals in a row where you haven't taken your stupid velcro wallet.
Alan: You were counting?
Charlie: Was I close?
Charlie: Why'd you change your friggin hair?
Alan: My girlfriend asked me to.
Charlie: If your new girlfriend asked you to jump off a bridge, would you?
Alan: If she put her tongue in my mouth while she asked me...
Charlie: I can't blame you. I once bought a woman a car for the same reason.
Alan: She put her tongue in your mouth?
Charlie: Sure. Let's say mouth.
