Eric Cartman Quotes
Kyle: (Talking about Kenny) They say, he might die.
Cartman: Kenny die?
(On the phone) Hello. Is this the University of Colorado Biology Department? Great, uh I understand you're currently doing research on stem cells? Kewl, because I'm currently in possession of some aborted fetuses that I'm looking to unload? Uh, how much do you pay? No, no, come on, ah I got a guy who's gonna give me eighty dollars a pound right now. How about a hundred? Oh you're breaking my balls- I, I'll think about it.
Bosnod Medical Group? Yeah, I called earlier about the stem cells and the fetuses? Okay, hi Randy, yeah. Oh yes, they've been kept in a cool temperature, yeah. These are primo fetuses, Randy, I wouldn't jerk you around. So what can your company give me for 'em? Oh Randy, you're breaking my balls here. You're breaking my balls, Randy.
(The next shot)
Oh please! Okay, you tell me where you can get aborted fetuses for seventy cents on the dollar? You tell me, Chuck? Yeah, I didn't think so-You know, I'm just like the fetuses, Chuck. I wasn't born yesterday, either. Uh huh. So are you gonna talk to me, or are we just gonna keep bull s******* each other? Breakin' my balls, Chuck.
(The next shot)
I gotta unload these fetuses, you wanna do some research. Are we talkin' here or what? You're breaking my balls. I'm telling you, if you let this deal pass you by, you're making a fetal mistake. That's a joke A hundred ten. Alright, alright, we got a deal. Good bye. (Cartman hangs up the phone) D***, I'm good.
Cartman: Look, I put the stem cells from all the fetuses I had next to a Shakey's and they ARE replicating a new Shakey's! It worked!
Stan: This whole time you were just using Kenny's illness to lift the ban on stem cell research so you could sell your stupid fetuses?
Cartman: Stupid fetuses!? It's my own Shakey's!
Kyle: I actually hugged you. I held you in my arms and, and, cried with you.
Cartman: I think I only need a hundred or so more aborted babies and I can finish up the kitchen.
Kyle: AAAHHH! (Kyle attacks Cartman)
Stan: Hey, I wasn't Kenny's worst f-f-f-friend, Cartman was!
Cartman (on phone): Okay Gary. How about $90 a fetus?
Gary: How about $50 a fetus?
Cartman (on phone): Come on Gary. You are breaking my balls Gary! You are breaking my balls. How about $70? Okay, I'll call you back.
Cartman: Doctor, can you tell me exactly how stem cells work?
Doctor: Well you have trillions of cells in your body, heart cells, skin cells, brain cells and so on. But before a cell is designated as a toenail cell, or a pancreas cell, it's what we call a stem cell. Sort of like a blank cell, do you understand?
Cartman: Not at all, but go on.
Liane: Sweetie, your friends are downstairs. They need to see you.
Cartman: Not now Mom, I've only unloaded three feti. I've gotta sell the rest before they spoil.
Cartman: I'll make you eat your parents.
Ms. Choksondik: What did you say?
Stan: Just because we rip on you for being rich doesn't mean we don't like you.
Kyle: Yeah we're guys dude; we find something about all our friends to rip on. We make fun of you for being rich like we rip on Butters for acting wimpy.
Butters: They sure do.
Stan: Yeah and like we rip on Kyle for being a Jew.
Kyle: And Stan for being in love with Wendy.
Stan: Yeah I get it for that.
Kyle: And Cartman for being fat.
Cartman: Uh huh.
Kyle: And Cartman for being stupid.
Kyle: And Cartman for having a whore for a mom.
Kyle: And Cartman for being a sadistic asshole.
Cartman: Ay!! You did me already.
Token: You're right guys, for now on I'm find for being made fun of for being rich.
Stan: Oh we're not going to rip on you for being rich anymore.
Token: You're not?
Kyle: No dude, since you got your feelings so hurt for being ripped on, now we think you're a pussy.
Stan: Yeah now you're a pussy, pussaholic.
Kyle: Come on nurse Token we're going to play football ya puss.
Butters: Yeah what a pussy.
Craig: Yeah that guy's a pussy.
Kyle: You especially can't say anything about Jews.
Cartman: Oh Jesus why don't you just cut off my balls!?
Kyle: How far do you think it is to Connecticut?
Stan: At least a couple hours.
Kyle: Do you think he'll be okay?
Cartman (walking off): He's fine!
Ms. Choksondik: [to Kyle's cousin, Kyle] Now Kyle, I need you to be quiet. In my class you need to be able to concentrate. Concentration is the key to succeeding in my class.
Cartman: Maybe we'll have to send him to concentration camp. [remembers Kyle's deal] Aww. Damnit, damnit, damnit!
(When Cartman shows everyone Kenny's picture)
Cartman: Dude, check it out! It's the sweetest thing I've ever done!
Kenny: (muffled) YOU'VE ever done?