Eric Cartman Quotes (Page 9)
Season 5, Episode 13: "Kenny Dies"
Cartman: (On the phone) Hello. Is this the University of Colorado Biology Department? Great, uh I understand you're currently doing research on stem cells? Kewl, because I'm currently in possession of some aborted fetuses that I'm looking to unload? Uh, how much do you pay? No, no, come on, ah I got a guy who's gonna give me eighty dollars a pound right now. How about a hundred? Oh you're breaking my balls- I, I'll think about it.
(Next shot)
Bosnod Medical Group? Yeah, I called earlier about the stem cells and the fetuses? Okay, hi Randy, yeah. Oh yes, they've been kept in a cool temperature, yeah. These are primo fetuses, Randy, I wouldn't jerk you around. So what can your company give me for 'em? Oh Randy, you're breaking my balls here. You're breaking my balls, Randy.
(The next shot)
Oh please! Okay, you tell me where you can get aborted fetuses for seventy cents on the dollar? You tell me, Chuck? Yeah, I didn't think so-You know, I'm just like the fetuses, Chuck. I wasn't born yesterday, either. Uh huh. So are you gonna talk to me, or are we just gonna keep bull s******* each other? Breakin' my balls, Chuck.
(The next shot)
I gotta unload these fetuses, you wanna do some research. Are we talkin' here or what? You're breaking my balls. I'm telling you, if you let this deal pass you by, you're making a fetal mistake. That's a joke A hundred ten. Alright, alright, we got a deal. Good bye. (Cartman hangs up the phone) D***, I'm good.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0
Kyle: (Talking about Kenny) They say, he might die.
Cartman: Kenny die?
• Rating: Unrated
Kyle: Alright, Cartman, what's so important that you had to pull us away from lighting cow crap on fire?
Cartman: Oh, you guys, you're not gonna believe it!
Stan: What?
Cartman: Guess what I have, sitting in my backyard.
Kyle: A trampoline?
Cartman: Better.
Stan: A boat?
Cartman: Better.
Kenny: (muffled) A football machine?
Cartman: Better.
Stan: Well, what, Cartman?
Cartman: Thirty-three aborted fetuses. (Stan,Kyle and Kenny look at him blankly) Oh yes.
Kyle: (closes his eyes) What?!
Cartman: Mint-condition, tax-free.
Stan: Cartman, what the hell are you doing with aborted fetuses?
Kyle: I'm leaving, right now.
Cartman: Well, I guess you don't watch the news, Kyle.
Kyle: You've never watched the news, fat-ass! What the hell does that have to do with anything?!
Cartman: Stem-cells, numb-nuts.
Stan: Stem-cells?
Kyle: Oh, and what do you know about stem-cells?
Kenny(muffled): What the f--k are stem-cells?
Kyle: They're cells that come from fetuses, and some research shows that they could be used to treat diseases.
Cartman: It's been proven, Jew! I saw it on 321 contact, and with all the research that's going on, stem-cells are worth three times their weight in gold. What I have in my backyard, is an aborted treasure chest.
Kyle: I hate you, so much.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0
Season 5, Episode 12: "Here Comes the Neighborhood"
Cartman: I'll make you eat your parents.
Ms. Choksondik: What did you say?
Cartman: Nothing
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0
Stan: Just because we rip on you for being rich doesn't mean we don't like you.
Kyle: Yeah we're guys dude; we find something about all our friends to rip on. We make fun of you for being rich like we rip on Butters for acting wimpy.
Butters: They sure do.
Stan: Yeah and like we rip on Kyle for being a Jew.
Kyle: And Stan for being in love with Wendy.
Stan: Yeah I get it for that.
Kyle: And Cartman for being fat.
Cartman: Uh huh.
Kyle: And Cartman for being stupid.
Cartman: Yeah.
Kyle: And Cartman for having a whore for a mom.
Cartman: Hey.
Kyle: And Cartman for being a sadistic asshole.
Cartman: Ay!! You did me already.
Token: You're right guys, for now on I'm find for being made fun of for being rich.
Stan: Oh we're not going to rip on you for being rich anymore.
Token: You're not?
Kyle: No dude, since you got your feelings so hurt for being ripped on, now we think you're a p***y.
Stan: Yeah now you're a p***y, pussaholic.
Kyle: Come on nurse Token we're going to play football ya puss.
Cartman: Pussy!
Butters: Yeah what a p***y.
Craig: Yeah that guy's a p***y.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0
Season 5, Episode 11: "The Entity"
Ms. Choksondik: [to Kyle's cousin, Kyle] Now Kyle, I need you to be quiet. In my class you need to be able to concentrate. Concentration is the key to succeeding in my class.
Cartman: Maybe we'll have to send him to concentration camp. [remembers Kyle's deal] Aww. Damnit, damnit, damnit!
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0
Kyle: How far do you think it is to Connecticut?
Stan: At least a couple hours.
Kyle: Do you think he'll be okay?
Cartman (walking off): He's fine!
• Rating: Unrated
Kyle: You especially can't say anything about Jews.
Cartman: Oh Jesus why don't you just cut off my balls!?
• Rating: Unrated
Season 5, Episode 10: "How to Eat with Your Butt"
Mr. Mackey: Well, what did you used to think was funny?
Cartman: You know, all the usual stuff. Dirty jokes, funny movies, seeing someone die. This morning, I even saw a little girl get her fingers caught in a car door and I couldn't laugh. I mean I, I knew it was funny, but I couldn't laugh.
• Rating: Unrated
(When Cartman shows everyone Kenny's picture)
Cartman: Dude, check it out! It's the sweetest thing I've ever done!
Kenny: (muffled) YOU'VE ever done?
• Rating: 4.0 / 5.0
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Total Quotes: 498
