Favorite Evelyn Harper Quotes
Evelyn: So, Jake, how do you like high school?
Jake: I'm in eighth grade.
Evelyn: Ah. When do you start high school?
Jake: Hard to say. Eighth grade's really kicking my ass.
(Jake is outdoors trying to hold a "Condos For Sale" sign)
Alan: Thanks, Mom. This is a perfect first job for him.
Charlie: First job? I think you're looking at the birth of a career.
Evelyn: I was gonna have him put up fliers, but I didn't trust him with a staple gun.
Alan: How much are you paying him?
Evelyn: Obviously, too much. Look at him! (Jake is picking his nose) For the record, I promised him $20 and a Playboy magazine.
Alan: Playboy?
Evelyn: Don't worry. I'll Magic Marker over the ta-tas and hoo-hoos.
Charlie: Oh, that's disturbing on so many levels.
Charlie: I've been thinking a lot about how fleeting life is and that none of us really knows how long we're gonna be here.
Evelyn: Did you find another lump on your pee-pee?
Charlie: No, Mom, my pee-pee's fine.
Evelyn: I don't know how 'worn down to a knob' can be fine, but alright.
Evelyn: Desperate?
Charlie: Like a gold fish in the leaky bag.
Evelyn: When this heals, I'll have the face of a twelve year old girl.
Charlie: But from the neck down you'll have an the body of an Egyptian mummy.
Michelle: You have a wonderful son.
Evelyn: Yes I do. But Charlie and Alan must never learn of him.
A doctor? You have access to Charlie's medical records and you still wanted to date him?
Evelyn: You go out with a girl and break up with her hoo-hah can develop a 5'o clock shadow.
Alan: Well, in his defense mom, he's usually paying by the hour.
Evelyn: What is wrong with him (Jake)?
Alan: Nothing organic. We've had him checked.
Evelyn: I'll be right back,
Alan: Where are you going?
Evelyn: To put on panties.
Alan: Is that for luck?
Evelyn: No, just kissing it goodbye.
Evelyn: You're my son. I should at least pretend I believe in you.
Alan: Thank you.
Evelyn: I'm putting "American Cancer Society" on the memo line. Just ignore that.
