Favorite Evelyn Harper Quotes
So, Lydia, what do you do? I mean, besides my son
Evelyn: I forbid you to see this woman anymore.
Charlie: You forbid? What gives you the right to forbid? I'm 39-year-old.
Evelyn: I'm your mother, you are 40, and you must not see this woman anymore!
Charlie: Mom, you know that just makes me want her more.
Evelyn: Charlie I mean it!
Charlie: I'm getting hotter.
Evelyn: Look I know certain things about Gloria's past which are, well, unsavory.
Charlie: Okay, I'm going supernova.
Evelyn: Will you listen to me! If you continue to see this woman it will hurt me deeply.
Charlie: I may have to marry this girl
Evelyn: It's one thing to diddle the help, but another thing to dine with them.
Alan: Naomi's not the help.
Evelyn: Oh, forgive me. She's the maid's round-heeled daughter. I mean, I'd expect this from Charlie. He'd hump a grilled cheese sandwich.
Charlie: Thanks, Mom
Charlie: It's called a bait-and-switch, and it's a felony!
Evelyn: Oh, well, look at you, taking a moral high ground, and with nary a bottle nor a whore in sight. Bravo
Evelyn: All her son did at her funeral was make cynical jokes at her.
Charlie: Did you happen to jot any of them down? edit
Evelyn: I'm doubly pleased that you two have been able to put behind your obvious distasteful history and become such good friends
Chelsea: What distasteful history?
Berta: Come on, at least let them cook my breakfast
Evelyn: Most women would resent the former lover of their fiancee sleeping in the same house as them...
Berta: It ain't me, keep on cooking
Alan, I'm trying to sell a house here. Warm cookies smell, good. Hot poop smell, bad
Evelyn: The sooner you two get married, the sooner I'll have more grandchildren.
Charlie: Why, does Miss Evelyn need a cook and a butler, too?
Alan: Well, I'd love to help you out, Mom, but, uh, I have a date tonight.
Evelyn: So, now it's inflatable sex doll night at Dodger Stadium?
Alan: No, no, I really have a date. And the doll was a gag gift from one of my patients.
Evelyn: Charlie, what about you?
Charlie: I tried it once, but I prefer a real woman.
Evelyn: They say that he killed a famous writer just to prove a point.
Charlie: Ooohh. And what was the point?
Evelyn: ...I can kill a writer.
Evelyn: Teddy is out of town and I need an escort for the Civic Light Opera benefit this evening.
Charlie: Why don't you just try one of those escort services?
Evelyn: Charlie, if I were going to pay $200 per hour for a man, I would not be taking him to the opera.
Charlie: That's fair.
Evelyn: That is the king of vaginal rejuvenation surgery. But interestingly, he's never used one himself, rejuvenated or otherwise.
Charlie: Wouldn't that make him the queen of vaginal surgery?
