The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXFavorite Homer Simpson Quotes
(Homer meets Mr. Burns' flight attendant.)
Svetlana: My name is Svetlana, but you can call me "Hey, baby."
Mr. Burns: And just so you know, she'll do anything for you. Anything except sex. And I do mean anything.
Homer: (Drooling) Ohh, I'm aroused... and confused.
Colby Krause: Homer, here in the bowling alley, you're a totally different man. Relaxed, confident...
Homer: Is this going somewhere?
Colby Krause: What we have to do is figure a way to make "Bowling Alley Homer" into "Everyday Homer."
Lenny: I have an aunt who became an uncle. Is it like that?
(Awkward silence. Lenny wanders off.)
Colby Krause: I want you to wear those bowling shoes out the door and everywhere you go. It's crazy, but it just might work!
Homer: Dr. Frederick J. Waxman, you're a genius!
Colby Krause: That's not my name.
Homer: I wasn't talking to you.
Mr. Burns: You saved my life! There must be something I can do for you.
Homer: (Thinks) A cookie! No, a car! No, a cookie!
Mr. Burns: You're getting a free dinner.
(Homer gasps)
Mr. Burns: With...
Homer: Yeah?
Mr. Burns: ...Me!
Homer: Me? But that's you!
(Homer arrives home after his first day on the "new" job.)
Marge: So, how was your first day at your new job?
Homer: Oh, it was great! Flew to Tulsa on the company jet. Did my job in a way consistent with I what I already told you. (Nervously) Because that's what you do... when you have a job.
Lisa: I'm so proud of you, Dad!
Homer: Stop peppering me with questions!
Homer: That church service was so boring! I did a whole book of find-a-words.
Lisa: Dad, all you circled were the I's and A's.
Homer: Those are words.
(Homer and Marge enjoy the buffet at a wake.)
Marge: Oh Homer, you gotta try this roast beef au jus.
(Homer takes a bite.)
Homer: Mmm! Au jus! Not quite gravy, not quite blood.
(In the dressing room after Homer's first performance.)
Bart: Dad, you were great!
Lisa: And you contributed to our culture!
Homer (Worried) Well, I didn't mean to.
Lisa: No, no. It's a good thing.
Homer: (Relieved) Oh, good. This makes up for me showing up drunk to the father-daughter dance.
Lisa: The dance isn't till next week.
Homer: Sorry, Lisa. Can't change the future.
(to Julia) So, did you see the show tonight? Remember the part where I forgot the words and I just sang "Uh-oh Spaghetti-os"? I'm hoping they send me a case.
Marge: Homer, we're trapped! Your fans will rip us to pieces!
Homer: Not me. They love me.
(Placido Domingo towel snaps Homer in the locker room after a performance.)
Placido Domingo: Nice set, Homer. That was a hot one.
Homer: Wow, praise from Placido Domingo.
Placido Domingo: Just call me P-Dingo.
Homer: Ehh, I'll think about it.
Mr. Burns: My boy, you are a star.
Homer: Woo-hoo!
Mr. Burns: An opera star.
Homer: (Disappointed) Oh.
Dr. Hibbert: Homer, you have a mild back sprain. And you also ingested a dangerous quantity of grave dirt.
Homer: Well, you're always telling me I should eat more dirt.
Dr. Hibbert: Not dirt, vegetables!
Homer: Which grow in what?
