Favorite Jake Harper Quotes
Jake: I don't understand why I can't have the blue tuxedo.
Alan: Because you're going to a wedding, not hosting a game show on Telemundo
Jake: And how many times do you have to get up to go pee?
Alan: I wasn't counting.
Jake: I was! Four.
Alan: Ok, one of those was to get a glass of water.
Jake: Well, that's your problem, stop topping off the tank
Jake: Excuse me, but if who sleeps in my bed is not my business, then what is?
Alan: Let it go, Goldilocks
Alan: All the other men are going to be wearing black tuxedos.
Jake: If all the other men were jumping off a bridge would you want me to do that too?
Alan: If it would keep your mother off my back, yes!
Alan: I need to talk to you in private.
Charlie: Oh, come on. I was in the middle of flossing and suddenly there she was, sitting on my bed..
Alan: Ah, ah. He doesn't need to hear this...
Jake: Like I didn't hear enough last night
Charlie: Just hide the money. Stick it into a shoe.
Jake: Right. What about if I wanna wear it?
Charlie: Then put it on another shoe.
Jake: But not of the same pair, right?
Charlie: Right
Jake: How much can I bet?
Charlie: How much did you bring?
Jake: I have to use my own money?
Charlie: Boy, you really are your father's son, aren't you?
Charlie: Okay, I'm leaving.
Jake: Bye.
Charlie: If you need anything, ask Berta.
Jake: Okay.
Charlie: She won't give it to you, but she enjoys being asked
Jake: She brought soup!
Charlie: Why would she bring soup?
Alan: You told her you had a bug. So she assumed it was bronchial. If you had been more specific like I suggested, you could have precluded this. Nobody just drops by when they think you have diarrhea.
Jake: And I bet they don't bring soup, either
Jake: Uncle Charlie, do you need to go anywhere?
Charlie: Yeah, away from you
Jake: You want me to drive?
Charlie: You want to drive my $80,000 Mercedes?
Jake: Yes, please
Charlie: He's unnecessarily polite for a future doorman
Jake: If that's Sir Lancelot, who did you squish?
Charlie: Your hope of ever driving my car again
Jake: So the doorman thing was an insult?
Alan: Yes, and a prophecy
