Favorite Jake Harper Quotes
Charlie: No kids in my house.
Jake: I'm a kid.
Charlie: I don't think of you as a kid. I think of you as more of a gassy dwarf
Jake: Are you crazy?
Rose: There's several schools of thought on that
Jake: Stuff never goes back in the box the way it came out.
Charlie: That's a life lesson, Jake
Charlie: This is kind of exciting. [unwraps gift] Fart in a Can?
Jake: You don't have one, do you?
Charlie: Well, I've got you, but this is good for travel
Jake: Can I get my ear pierced?
Alan: No.
Jake: Why not?
Charlie: You can't keep the holes you have clean
Jake: I'm still awake!
Judith: Happy?
Herb: I may never be happy again
Jake: He wants me to stay here tonight so he and mom can have sex.
Alan: Oh, Jake, I'm sure that's not the reason. Right, Herb?
Herb: No, that's pretty much it.
Jake: Hey, Berta, wanna hear something cool? The ancient Romans had a place called a vomitorium where people could eat as much as they wanted, puke, and then eat some more.
Berta: Well, just like the Sizzler
Berta [on Charlie]: I wish you could have seen him in his prime. He was like Babe Ruth.
Jake: He played baseball?
Berta: No, he was a drunken whore-monger
Alan: Just pick out a present that reflects your grandmother.
Jake: Like what?
Charlie: How about a grizzly bear ripping apart a salmon?
Jake: Could you get my dad to lay off the father-son stuff? It's kind of lame.
Charlie: "Lame?" You think it's lame your father cares so much about you, he wants nothing more than to be a part of your life?
Jake: Yeah
Jake: I'm her son.. she has to be proud of me.
Alan: You think so, huh? Have you met my mother?
Jake: Oh, yeah
