Favorite Jake Harper Quotes
Alan: Come on, Jake, we're going to the movies.
Jake: On a school night?
Alan: Why not? You're flunking anyway
Jake: Dad said you almost drowned today?
Charlie: Yup!
Jake: Are you okay now?
Charlie: I'm fine.
Jake: Can I ask you a question?
Charlie: Sure.
Jake: It's about what happens when you die.
Charlie: Okay.
Jake: Who gets your car?
Charlie: Still early, want to go shoot some hoops?
Jake: Nah, I'm gonna go call Wendy Cho.
Charlie: Hey, bros before Chos!
Alan [on the phone]: Kandi, listen to me, our divorce doesn't have to be adversarial.
Jake [to Charlie]: Bet she doesn't know that word
Jake: What do I have to do for you?
Charlie: Just promise to be sad at my funeral.
Jake: Do I have to cry?
Charlie: No.
Jake: Will there be food?
Charlie: Yes.
Jake: Can I bring a date?
Charlie: You're just screwing with me now, right?
Jake: How does it feel?
Charlie: Don't be mean to your mother.
Jake: You're mean to your mom all the ti..
Charlie: My mother can take it. My mother feeds on it.
Judith: Would you wait in the car, please?
Jake: Who's in trouble, me or dad?
Judith: Nobody's in trouble.
Jake [to Alan]: It's you
Alan: Why did you run away?
Jake: Because I hate it there!
Alan: Is this about the upcoming nuptials?
Jake: It's nothing to do with puberty, dad. It's about mom getting married
Lydia: So, what grade are you in?
Jake: Seventh.
Lydia: Well, don't you worry when the other kids make fun of you; you'll show 'em some day.
Jake: Nobody makes fun of me.
Lydia: You're kidding?
Charlie: She might be a bit outspoken, but I happen to find that very attractive.
Jake: She must be dynamite in the sack.
Alan: Where do you get this stuff from?
Jake: Cinemax
Jake: There's just one thing I don't understand.
Judith: What's that, honey?
Jake: If you have sex with a pregnant lady, wouldn't she have twins?
Judith: No.
Naomi: Otherwise, I'd be having a whole damn litter
Jake: Can I go back to mom's tomorrow?
Alan: Why?
Jake: I want to hang out with my friends.
Alan: What, all of a sudden your father's not good enough for you?
Jake: It's not "all of a sudden."
