Favorite Jake Harper Quotes
Judith [about Jake]: When I brought him home Sunday night and served him dinner, he tipped me with a $25 chip from Caesars Palace and told me I had a nice rack!
Alan: Uh, well, Judith... you do
Jake: Have you seen my Game Boy?
Norman: No. Have you seen my wife?
Jake: No. Well, if you see it, let me know.
Norman: Ditto.
Jake: Hey, Berta, do you wanna see my armpit hair?
Berta: Only if you want to see mine
Charlie: I'm sorry, I forgot. Why are you here in the middle of the week?
Jake: My mom had to take a vacation.
Charlie: From what?
Jake: Me
Jake: Dad?
Alan: Yeah?
Jake: Do you suffer from erectile dysfunction? [Charlie spits out his drink]
Charlie: Well, Alan, do you?
Alan: Um... Jake... what do you know what erectile dysfunction?
Jake: Not much. It has something to do with your penis, right?
Alan: Right.
Jake: And they say one out of three guys gets it, and mine's fine so it's got to be one of you
Alan [about the funeral]: Jake, you're coming with us.
Jake: I don't wanna!
Charlie: Are you sure? You get to see a real dead guy.
Jake: There's gonna be a dead guy? Where?
Alan: ... At the funeral.
Jake: Oh, cool! Can I come
Alan: Come on, Jake. It's time to get up for school.
Jake: I can't go to school, I'm sick.
Alan: What's wrong?
Jake: I think I have acid reflex disease.
Alan: Really? Acid reflex disease? Where does it hurt?
Jake: Um... my head?
Alan: Nice try
Evelyn: Good Lord, are you picking your nose?!?
Jake: I had to. There was stuff in it.
Evelyn: And just where were you planning to put it?
Jake: I didn't really have a plan
Jake [about spending night at grandma's]: What did I ever do to you?
Alan: It's not a punishment.
Jake: It's not a prize. I'm calling Mom
My weekend starts on Friday when my mom takes me to my dad's house, which is actually my uncle Charlie's house, who is my dad's brother, making him my uncle. His name is Charlie, which is why I call him my uncle Charlie
Charlie: You know your uncle Charlie wrote that song.
Jake: No lie.
Charlie: Kid, if I was going to lie to you, I would have said I wrote "Stairway to Heaven"
Jake: If drinking makes you feel bad, why do you drink?
Charlie: Nobody likes a smart ass, kid.
Jake: You have to put a dollar in the swear jar. You said "ass."
Charlie: Tell you what. Here's a twenty. That ought to cover me until lunch
