Favorite Jake Harper Quotes
Alan: Charlie, call me an old-fashioned dad, but I was hoping my son wouldn't start betting on sports until he's old enough to have a drinking problem.
Charlie: He didn't really make a bet. I just gave him a taste of my action.
Alan: Nor do I want him tasting your action.
Jake: Dad, without action there's no juice.
Alan: All of a sudden, he's Frank Sinatra
Jake: Are we going to dinner tonight?
Alan: Do I look like I'm in shape to go to dinner?
Jake: I don't know, I'm not a doctor
Charlie: Wanna play videogames?
Jake: Sure.
Alan: Are you forgetting you're being punished?
Jake: No, but why does Uncle Charlie have to suffer?
Jake: What's her name again?
Charlie: Salma Hayek
Jake: Her name is as pretty as her boobs
Jake: If drinking makes you feel bad, why do you drink?
Charlie: Nobody likes a smart ass, kid.
Jake: You have to put a dollar in the swear jar. You said "ass."
Charlie: Tell you what. Here's a twenty. That ought to cover me until lunch
Jake: She was showing me her tattoos.
Alan: Lucky you. There was a time when you had to pay a quarter and go into a tent to see that. Now it's right at your breakfast table
Girl: Your uncle is so lame!
Jake: No, he's not! He's cool!
Girl: He is not!
Jake: He is too! He's almost famous. He wrote the Maple Loops song!
Girl: Did not!
Charlie: Did too!
Boy: Prove it!
Charlie: See that Jaguar in the parking lot? Maple Loops!
Jake: What's a booty call?
Charlie: Well, it's... you know this is more of a thing a son should learn from his father.
Jake: Oh, okay.
Charlie: Maybe you should ask him now.
Jake: Alright.
Charlie: I'm going to hell
# Charlie: You ever see a kid at school who doesn't like his lunch, but he won't let you have it. either?
Jake: Oh, yeah, Russell Beasley. He'll spit on his apple cobbler before he'll let anybody else eat it.
Charlie: Well, this is pretty much the same deal, except your Mom is Russell Beasley, and your Dad is the spit-covered cobbler.
Jake: I don't understand.
Charlie: Even though your mom doesn't want your dad, she doesn't want Kandi to eat him, either.
Jake: Oh. You know, I like cobbler with ice cream.
Charlie: Way to follow a train of thought.
Jake: Thanks.
Alan: Jake, what are we going to do? You've really fallen behind this year.
Jake: I know, I think it's a delayed reaction to your divorce.
Alan: Oh?
Jake: Yeah, it took awhile, but my teachers have finally stopped feeling sorry for me
Berta: That's a pretty mouth, but it's not made for singing
Jake: What's it made for?
Alan: Eating
Jake: I thought she meant oral sex
Charlie: We're not going. This conversation is over.
Jake: Not if I'm still talking
