Two and a Half Men

Jake Harper Quotes (Page 20)

Jake: What's her name again?
Charlie: Salma Hayek
Jake: Her name is as pretty as her boobs
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: Wanna play videogames?
Jake: Sure.
Alan: Are you forgetting you're being punished?
Jake: No, but why does Uncle Charlie have to suffer?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jake: Are we going to dinner tonight?
Alan: Do I look like I'm in shape to go to dinner?
Jake: I don't know, I'm not a doctor
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: We're not going. This conversation is over.
Jake: Not if I'm still talking
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: Look, I'm sorry I lost my temper.
Jake: I'm sorry you slipped in dog crap when you were chasing me
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: Hey, buddy, how you been?
Jake: Life stinks.
Charlie: Cheer up, you're still a kid. It gets much worse
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jake [reading his paper]: When Grandma came over, I thought things couldn't get any worse. But instead of making me visit with her, she gave my dad money to take me, Uncle Charlie, and Berta to the movies. We saw the Rob Schneider movie where he plays the stupid guy. I had popcorn, nachos, and two jumbo red Slurpees. And as you know, you don't buy Slurpees, you rent them.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jake: Have you seen my Game Boy?
Norman: No. Have you seen my wife?
Jake: No. Well, if you see it, let me know.
Norman: Ditto.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Judith [about Jake]: When I brought him home Sunday night and served him dinner, he tipped me with a $25 chip from Caesars Palace and told me I had a nice rack!
Alan: Uh, well, Judith... you do
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jake [reading his paper]: My weekend starts on Friday when my mom takes me to my dad's house, which is actually my uncle Charlie's house, who is my dad's brother, making him my uncle. His name is Charlie, which is why I call him my uncle Charlie
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Are we missing your favorite quote from "?" Submit it here and get points for adding quotes!