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Charlie: Hey Jake, you wanna go to the bowling alley and play some air hockey today?
Jake: Sure, but you still owe me, like, $12,000 from last time.
Charlie: What are you gonna do, break my thumbs?
Jake: It wouldn't hurt your game
- Permalink: Hey Jake, you wanna go to the bowling alley and play some air ho...
Charlie: Whoa, where are you going?
Jake: Looking for my Gameboy.
Charlie: Forget your Gameboy. It's a beautiful day. You can watch TV.
Jake: I don't want to watch TV. I want to play my Gameboy and it's in your room.
Charlie: Whew! When... The parental code that unlocks the pay channels is 1234
- Permalink: Whoa, where are you going? Looking for my Gameboy. Forget yo...
Jake [referring to his mom and Aunt]: Why are they fighting?
Alan: Oh, they're not fighting, they're discussing.
Jake: I'm a child of divorce, Dad. I know the difference.
- Permalink: Why are they fighting? Oh, they're not fighting, they're discu...
Charlie [filling out medical form]: Have you had one of the following: measles?
Jake: I don't know.
Jake: I don't know.
Charlie: Chicken pox?
Jake: Is that the one with the spots?
Jake: I don't know
- Permalink: Measles? I don't know. Mumps? I don't know. Chicken pox?...
Charlie [filling out hospital form]: Is there anything you eat that makes you sick?
Jake: I ate a worm once
- Permalink: Is there anything you eat that makes you sick? I ate a worm on...
Charlie: I'm gonna grab my keys, and we'll head to the hospital.
Jake: I don't want to go to a hospital!
Charlie: Did I say hospital? I meant Disneyland
- Permalink: I'm gonna grab my keys, and we'll head to the hospital. I don'...
Charlie [filling out a form for Jake]: First name. Jake. Ob?
Charlie: Jacob. I knew that. What's your middle name?
Jake: You don't know?
Charlie: Of course I know. I'm just checking to see if you know. You fell on your head, dude!
Charlie: David. Jacob David. Your parents sure went Old Testament on you, didn't they?
- Permalink: First name. Jake. Ob? Mm-hmm. Jacob. I knew that. What's you...
Charlie [holding Jake's hand as he gets stitches]: It's okay, buddy, I'm right here with you. Go ahead, Doc.
Jake: Ow! Ow! Ow!
Charlie: Hey, go easy on the kid!
Jake: No, you're squishing my hand!
Charlie: Oh. Sorry. Did you feel the shot?
Charlie: You're welcome.
Doctor: Perhaps you'd prefer to wait outside.
Charlie: I'd prefer a morphine drip and a sponge bath, but the kid needs me!
- Permalink: It's okay, buddy, I'm right here with you. Go ahead, Doc. Ow! ...
Jake [about Joanie]: That girl's really annoying.
Alan: I think maybe she has a crush on you.
Jake: Well, yeah! That's what's annoying.
Alan: You don't really like girls yet huh?
Jake: No, I like girls, I'm just not into eight-year-olds
- Permalink: That girl's really annoying. I think maybe she has a crush on ...
Jake: Hey. I'm gonna go play in my room.
Joanie: Can I come with you?
Charlie: If he can just keep that attitude for another thirty years, he's gold
- Permalink: Hey. I'm gonna go play in my room. Can I come with you? What...
Alan: Charlie, call me an old-fashioned dad, but I was hoping my son wouldn't start betting on sports until he's old enough to have a drinking problem.
Charlie: He didn't really make a bet. I just gave him a taste of my action.
Alan: Nor do I want him tasting your action.
Jake: Dad, without action there's no juice.
Alan: All of a sudden, he's Frank Sinatra
- Permalink: Charlie, call me an old-fashioned dad, but I was hoping my son w...
Charlie: Hey, how can you tell that an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
Charlie: There's footprints in the cheesecake.
Jake: But we don't have a cheesecake.
Charlie: That's the part you don't buy?
- Permalink: Hey, how can you tell that an elephant has been in your refriger...