Two and a Half Men

Jake Harper Quotes (Page 22)

Charlie: What would you do if you want to go pee, but you have $500 in the table?
Jake: Go pee?
Charlie: You pee on yourself. Come on, you have pants that cost $50 and $500 that you could win. Do the math.
Jake: So I have to do the math and pee my pants?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jake: Well, this is gonna be a sucky weekend.
Charlie: Try spending it with an eleven-year-old who does nothing but complain.
Jake: You mean me?
Charlie: Boy, no wonder they got to write your name in your underwear
 • Rating: Unrated

Jake: What am I supposed to do?
Charlie: Watch TV.
Jake: There's nothing on.
Charlie: Play a video game.
Jake: Played them all.
Charlie: Read a book.
Jake: Yeah, right, who's the moron now?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: Hey, buddy!
Jake: Hey, Uncle Charlie.
Charlie: Ready for a fun weekend?
Judith: He's not going to have a fun weekend, Charlie. He's going to study for a history test on Monday.
Charlie: Hmm. Well, if believing that gets you back into your car, then I'll play along
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: You earned that A.
Jake: Wendy Chow got an A+.
Evelyn: There, you hear that? Wendy Chow got an A plus.
Alan: Wendy Chow is a freak of nature! She cloned a goldfish for the science fair! We can't compare Jake to her.
Evelyn: Well, who should we compare him to, then: the paste eaters and the unibrows?
 • Rating: Unrated

Evelyn: How many kids in your class got an A?
Jake: Almost everybody. Why?
Evelyn: I'm just curious as to how hard the test actually was.
Alan: Doesn't matter, Mom. It's still an A.
Evelyn: And an A is very nice. I just don't see why we should make such a big fuss over it if they're handing them out like rubella vaccinations!
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie [drunkenly]: You know what I like? Those big pink things with coconut.
Jake: Sno Balls?
Charlie: Yeah. Can you still get those?
Jake: Yeah, but not at the supermarket. You have to go to 7-Eleven.
Charlie: Thank you... Alan, will you drive me to 7-Eleven?
Alan: No, we're trying to study.
Charlie: Okay. I'll pretend like I'm not even here
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Okay, Lewis and Clark explored what?
Charlie: [makes buzzer sound] Louisiana Purchase.
Alan: Right.
Jake: I knew that!
Alan: Yeah, but Uncle Charlie buzzed first.
Charlie: And I'm still buzzed
 • Rating: Unrated

Jake: This is really weird.
Alan: Why is it weird? Your mom and I may not be living together anymore, but we're still friends.
Jake: I don't flip off my friends when I talk to them on the phone.
Charlie: Nice shooting. Two with one bullet
 • Rating: Unrated

Jake [looking at yearbook pictures]: What was going on with your hair?
Jamie: It's called a Jheri curl.
Alan: It was my Michael Jackson period.
Jake: Who's the tall guy next to you?
Jamie: Oh, uh, that's me, Jake.
 • Rating: Unrated

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