Two and a Half Men

Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two and a half men
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Jake: I love her.
Alan: Stop it, you love fart jokes and pie.
Jake: Fart jokes, pie and Celeste.

Alan: Why aren't you studying for your algebra final?
Jake: 'Cause I don't have to.
Alan: You don't have to study algebra.
Jake: Nope. All I gotta do is get a 67 to pass the course, and then it's adiós seventh grade, arrivederci eighth.
Alan: OK, we can cross "UN interpreter" off the job list...

Alan: You know what you call someone who just skates through life doing only the bare minimum?
Jake: Uncle Charlie?
Alan: You call him a slacker.
Jake: Whateve...
Alan: Whateve? Are you now so lazy you can't even be bothered to finish words?
Jake: What's your prob? Don't you get happy if I just get in eighth grade? I mean isn't that the whole point of seventh?
Alan: No, that is not the whole point of seventh. And yes I'll be thrilled if you're not left back.
Jake: So relax, it's all good.
Alan: Don't you mean it's all "goo?"

Alan: You're writing a report on The Taming of the Shrew, not The Voyages of Cap'n Crunch!
Jake: Too bad. I could write the crap out of that.
Alan: OK... [sighs] I'm not fooling around here. You are gonna finish this damn book and write the damn report, and you're gonna hand it in on Monday, spell-checked, formatted, and on freakin' time!
Jake: I have my doubts, Dad.

Jake [on The Taming of the Shrew]: Dad, this is the wrong book.
Alan: What are you talking about?
Jake: It's in some sort of foreign language.
Alan: It's Elizabethan.
Jake: Well, can we get one in English?
Alan: Walk.

Jake: I lost my book.
Allan: And how were you going to write the report?
Jake: I was hoping for an earthquake.
Allan: What was your next plan?
Jake: I pretty much put all my eggs in the earthquake basket.

Sloane: Jake, what I want to know is, were you in your uncle's room at any time today?
Jake: No, I never go to my uncle's room.
Sloane: Why not?
Jake: 'Cause all the skin mags are in my dad's room.

Evelyn: We don't eat from the cake until we cut the cake.
Jake: But I'm still hungry.
Evelyn: Have some cheese!
Jake: Have we cut the cheese?

Jake: When you marry my grandma, what does that make you to me?
Teddy: Nothing.

Charlie: Just remember I'm doing you a favor. Don't forget it in a few years when I ask you to change my diaper.
Jake: Okay. Wait, what?

Jake: Want some cake?
Milly: I don't eat sugar.
Jake: Oh, yeah, me neither, unless it's in, like, pies and cookies and stuff.

Jake: You and me are having dinner with them on Friday so you can catch up.
Charlie: You and me?
Jake: Just don't clock block me, okay?
Charlie: "Clock block" you?
Jake: That's not it?

Displaying quotes 61 - 72 of 275 in total

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.