Jake Harper Quotes (Page 8)
Season 6, Episode 12: "Thank God For Scoliosis"
Charlie: Listen, Janine. Thanks for everything, but I should probably get this little guy home and come back. It's way past his bedtime.
Jake: What are you talking about? It's not past my bedtime.
Charlie: What do you wanna bet he falls asleep in the car and I have to carry him in?
Jake: What do you wanna bet he has to go home and take a laxative because he's too old to poop normal?
• Rating: Unrated
Season 6, Episode 10: "He Smelled The Ham, He Got Excited"
Jake: A lot of great discoveries were accidents, like Thomas Edison and the telephone.
• Rating: 3.0 / 5.0
Jake: I love sleeping so much sometimes I even dream about it.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0
Season 6, Episode 6: "It's Always Nazi Week"
Berta: It's none of my business, but that's one kid who can't afford to miss a day of school.
Charlie: Yeah, like school's gonna make a difference.
(staple gun is heard)
Jake: Oh, crap, I stapled my fingers together!
Berta: You got a point.
• Rating: Unrated
Jake: You may think I'm dumb, but you overestimate me.
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0
Season 6, Episode 5: "A Jock Strap In Hell"
Charlie: (about the jock strap) Think you can fit your junk into that?
Jake: I'll make it fit, let's just go.
Charlie: No, no, put it on over your pants, we'll take a look.
Jake: (embarrassed) The heck you will!
Alan: Charlie, you're embarrassing him.
Charlie: Of course I am. That's why I came!
• Rating: Unrated
Season 6, Episode 1: "Taterhead Is Our Love Child"
Evelyn: So, Jake, how do you like high school?
Jake: I'm in eighth grade.
Evelyn: Ah. When do you start high school?
Jake: Hard to say. Eighth grade's really kicking my ass.
• Rating: Unrated
Charlie: What I've wanted to ask you is, do you think I've been a good role model?
Jake: Are you kidding? You drink, you gamble, you have different women here practically every night. You're the best role model a guy could want!
• Rating: 3.0 / 5.0
Alan: Being a father is one of the greatest joys there is.
Jake: Hey, Dad, where's the plunger?
Alan: Uh, laundry room.
Jake: Thanks. I over-wiped.
Alan: No such thing, my son. (to Charlie) Where was I?
Charlie: The joys of fatherhood.
Alan: Right. (Charlie gives him a look) What? There was a time when he didn't wipe at all!
• Rating: Unrated
Season 5, Episode 19: "Waiting for the Right Snapper"
Alan: Why aren't you studying for your algebra final?
Jake: 'Cause I don't have to.
Alan: You don't have to study algebra.
Jake: Nope. All I gotta do is get a 67 to pass the course, and then it's adiós seventh grade, arrivederci eighth.
Alan: OK, we can cross "UN interpreter" off the job list...
• Rating: 5.0 / 5.0
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Total Quotes: 275