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Jake: I'm in a committed relationship.
Charlie: What are you talking about? You're 13.
Jake: I'm 15.
Charlie: Well who cares, you're too young for a committed relationship. I'm 40 and I'm barely ready.
Jake: You're 42.
Charlie: What is it with you an numbers?
- Permalink: I'm in a committed relationship. What are you talking about? Y...
Jake: Hey, Uncle Charlie, you want to dance with me?
Charlie: Hey, Jake, want to live in a foster home?
Charlie: Don't sass me, boy. I'll take the switch to you.
- Permalink: Hey, Uncle Charlie, you want to dance with me? Hey, Jake, want...
Alan: What do I have to be depressed about?
Jake: You've been divorced twice, you're living on your brother's couch, and your only child is flunking tenth grade.
Alan: You're flunking tenth grade, when the hell did this happen?
Jake: Easy dude, I think you have bigger things to worry about.
- Permalink: What do I have to be depressed about? You've been divorced twi...
Charlie: Clean underwear?
Charlie: Not good enough. With underwear there's no grey area.
Jake: Don't worry, it's not grey.
Charlie: Anything but white is unacceptable.
Jake: In that case, then I better change.
- Permalink: Clean underwear? Cleanish. Not good enough. With underwear ...
Berta: I thought you were taking your girlfriend out for dinner.
Jake: I am, but I thought if I eat first I won't pig out in the restaurant and make her sick.
Berta: Good idea, then you'll have the whole rest of the night to make her sick.
Jake: Exactly. Plus, I won't snap at her if she reaches for one of my fries.
- Permalink: I thought you were taking your girlfriend out for dinner. I am...
Jake: Do either of you guys urinate with abnormal frequency?
Alan and Charlie: No.
Charlie: I mean, you gotta define abnormal
Alan: Keep in mind the body doesn't process alcohol efficiently, which is why your Uncle Charlie is a perpetual urine machine
Charlie: Also keep in mind your father has the bladder control of a frightened nine year old girl, which is why he needs to wear two pairs of undies and a panty liner
Alan: Only on long drives
- Permalink: Do either of you guys urinate with abnormal frequency? No. I...
Charlie [about Chelsea and Jake]: ...and one of you has to go, guess who that will be?
Jake: Why, because you sleep with her?
Charlie: Good for you, why do people think you're stupid?
- Permalink: And one of you has to go, guess who that will be? why, because...
Jake: So the doorman thing was an insult?
Alan: Yes, and a prophecy
- Permalink: So the doorman thing was an insult? Yes, and a prophecy
Jake: If that's Sir Lancelot, who did you squish?
Charlie: Your hope of ever driving my car again
- Permalink: If that's Sir Lancelot, who did you squish? Your hope of ever ...
Jake: Uncle Charlie, do you need to go anywhere?
Charlie: Yeah, away from you
Jake: You want me to drive?
Charlie: You want to drive my $80,000 Mercedes?
Jake: Yes, please
Charlie: He's unnecessarily polite for a future doorman
- Permalink: Uncle Charlie, do you need to go anywhere? Yeah, away from you...
Judith: Just because he's fifteen doesn't mean he's ready to drive
Jake: I've been driving for years. Grand Theft Auto 1, Grand Theft Auto 2. And I've never drove anyone over except for pimps and crack whores.
Jake: Sorry, dad. Crack prostitutes.
- Permalink: Just because he's fifteen doesn't mean he's ready to drive I'v...
Jake: She brought soup!
Charlie: Why would she bring soup?
Alan: You told her you had a bug. So she assumed it was bronchial. If you had been more specific like I suggested, you could have precluded this. Nobody just drops by when they think you have diarrhea.
Jake: And I bet they don't bring soup, either
- Permalink: She brought soup! Why would she bring soup? You told her you...