Two and a Half Men

Jake Harper Quotes (Page 10)

Alan: Where did you get that?
Jake: I found it on the table.
Alan: Oh, Jake...
Jake: It's okay, I'm eating on the side without the teeth marks.
Charlie: Puberty, my ass. That's a missing chromosome.
 • Rating: Unrated

Cynthia: Hi, Jake, look how big you're getting.
Jake: It's called puberty.
Charlie: It's called donuts.
Jake [looking down at his crotch]: Donuts don't make hair.
 • Rating: Unrated

Rose: I'm a loving nurturer.
Jake: Uncle Charlie says you're a crazy stalker.
Rose: Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.
 • Rating: Unrated

Jake: Do you really want to do something with me?
Alan: Yes.
Jake: How about if you drive me to the mall so I can see a movie with my friends and then you pick me up when we're done.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jake: Hey, Rose, you wanna go see a movie later?
Rose: Maybe. We'll see how your uncle's feeling. He's very, very sick.
Alan: So, basically, what we're saying here is, you'll go to the movies with anybody but me.
Jake: Not anybody. I wouldn't go with Hitler.
 • Rating: Unrated

Jake: She is kind of cute.
Charlie: Why don't you go talk to her?
Jake: I don't know what to say.
Charlie: That's never stopped you from runnin' your mouth before.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: Tell you what, I'll be your wingman. I'll go over and engage the mom in conversation. Then, after I've greased the wheels, I'll give you a signal. You saunter over and work your magic.
Jake: "Saunter?"
Charlie: Walk.
Jake: Well, then, just say "walk." You don't have to make up words.
 • Rating: Unrated

Jake: In ultimate fighting they kick, they elbow, they get a guy down and smash his head in the floor. These guys just dance around and barely hit each other.
Charlie: Okay, okay, listen to me. Boxing is a science. Boxers don't just wail on each other: they strategize, feel each other out, wait for an opening.
Jake: Gay.
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: (on why Jake got dumped) Maybe she found somebody better.
Alan: What? Who's better than Jake?
Charlie: Why, no one, Alan! He's the pinnacle of male evolution.
Jake: Thank you.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Judith: Hey, honey, how was your weekend?
Jake: Great. Uncle Charlie's a genius.
Judith [to Alan]: I thought you talked to him.
Alan: I did!
Judith: Then why is Uncle Charlie the genius?
Alan: Because he never got married.
 • Rating: Unrated

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