Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two-and-a-half-men

Judith: Tell your ex-wife to stop flirting with my fiancé.
Alan: Actually, the way I see it your peanut butter is all over my chocolate.
Judith: Alan, I can make your life a living hell.
Alan: How would I know the difference

Herb: Honey, we've got a long drive ahead of us. (turns to Alan) We're spending the holidays in San Diego with my parents.
Judith: That's why I need eggnog.
Herb: Hey, I spent thanksgiving with your parents.
Alan: Oh, really, your mom's out of rehab?
Judith: Yes, my mom's out of rehab.
Herb: Actually she kind of jumped the fence.
Alan: Well, the woman's going to be your mother-in-law, you might as well get used to it. [to Judith]: Remember the time she rode out of Betty Ford on a lawn mower? On the plus side, she bakes Toll House cookies with walnuts and Demerol

Jake: There's just one thing I don't understand.
Judith: What's that, honey?
Jake: If you have sex with a pregnant lady, wouldn't she have twins?
Judith: No.
Naomi: Otherwise, I'd be having a whole damn litter

Alan: Excuse me, but you were the one who's constantly horny!
Judith: And you sure took advantage of it, didn't you?
Alan: Hey! When the bar is only open nine months a decade you drink 'til you puke! ...and then you keep drinking!

Judith: Would you wait in the car, please?
Jake: Who's in trouble, me or dad?
Judith: Nobody's in trouble.
Jake [to Alan]: It's you

Alan: Oh, Judith, when did you start hating me so much?
Judith: Well, let's see: I disliked you when we were married, I resented you when we divorced, but I don't think I hated you until you started having sex with that gorgeous 22 year-old dumbbell.
Alan: OK, well, thanks for clearing that up

Judith [on Jake's lack of hobbies]: I don't know about his father, but I've tried to share some of my interests with him.
Alan: Unfortunately, he's a little young to drink in the dark and bitch about men

Judith [about Kandi]: Are you proud of yourself?
Alan: What do you mean?
Judith: Oh, please, she has to be half your age.
Alan: Oh, that. Yeah, I am pretty proud of that

Judith: Where's Alan?
Charlie: He's not here.
Judith: Really? I told him I was coming.
Charlie: That's probably why he's not here

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