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Two-and-a-half-men

Judith: You don't sleep with your son's friend's mother.
Alan: No, no. you marry his pediatrician.
Herb: He's got you there, sweetie.

Judith: How did I blow another marriage?
Alan: Oh, Sweetie, you can't blame yourself, although you are the common denominator.

Judith: Hey, honey, how was your weekend?
Jake: Great. Uncle Charlie's a genius.
Judith [to Alan]: I thought you talked to him.
Alan: I did!
Judith: Then why is Uncle Charlie the genius?
Alan: Because he never got married.

Alan [about Jake]: What's the matter with him?
Judith: His little girlfriend broke up with him.
Alan: Oh, no.
Judith: Yeah, I was hoping you could talk to him, because, let's face it, who knows more about getting dumped?
Alan: You don't have to flatter me, Judith. I'll talk to him.

Judith: Just because he's fifteen doesn't mean he's ready to drive
Jake: I've been driving for years. Grand Theft Auto 1, Grand Theft Auto 2. And I've never drove anyone over except for pimps and crack whores.
Alan: Jake!
Jake: Sorry, dad. Crack prostitutes.

Alan: Jake can hear you two in bed.
Judith: Oh, God! Oh, God!
Herb: He didn't hear that

Alan: He's worried that when he grows up, he won't be smart enough to have sex.
Judith: Why would he think that?
Alan: Because he hears you giving Herb instructions like he's a blind guy in a mine field

Alan: I bought him two pies.
Judith: Why would you do that?
Alan: It seemed easier than explaining to him that his mother's fiancé is a sexual moron

Jake: I'm still awake!
Judith: Happy?
Herb: I may never be happy again

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