South Park
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy CentralKyle Broflovski Quotes
Nurse: Hey, look who's here.
Kenny: Stan??
Woman: Hello, Kenny, I'm Laura Jones.
Bob: We're with the Make-A-Wish Foundation.
Ms. McCormick: Oh, Kenny isn't that nice?
Kenny: The Make-A-Wish Foundation?
Laura: We travel the country giving special little boys and girls like you their biggest wish.
Kyle: Neat, huh Kenny?
Kenny: Yes.
Laura: So Kenny, if you could have ONE wish, what would it be?
Bob: What's your wish, pal?
Kenny: I guess the only thing I wish is to not die.
Laura: What did he say?
Kyle: He said his wish is not to die.
Laura: Okay, and, what if you're gonna have two wishes. What would the second one be?
Bob: I know! I bet you wanna meet Madonna, huh?
(Kenny says something)
Bob: W-what was that?
Kyle: He said Madonna is an old anorexic whore, who wore out her welcome years ago, and that now she suddenly speaks with a British accent, she thinks she can play guitar and she should go f*** herself.
Madonna: Should I come in now?
Bob: Uh, no not quite yet.
Kyle: (Talking about Kenny) They say, he might die.
Cartman: Kenny die?
Butters: Hey fellas, hey fellas! Eric says you gotta come to his house right away.
Stan: Tell him we're busy.
Butters: Oh ah, well he knew you'd say that so he told me to tell you that you don't want to miss this.
Kyle: What? Did he lose 100 pounds?
(The boys laugh)
Butters: Yea, yea he knew you'd say that too so he said to say, uh "Up your ass Jew".
Cartman: Look, I put the stem cells from all the fetuses I had next to a Shakey's and they ARE replicating a new Shakey's! It worked!
Stan: This whole time you were just using Kenny's illness to lift the ban on stem cell research so you could sell your stupid fetuses?
Cartman: Stupid fetuses!? It's my own Shakey's!
Kyle: I actually hugged you. I held you in my arms and, and, cried with you.
Cartman: I think I only need a hundred or so more aborted babies and I can finish up the kitchen.
Kyle: AAAHHH! (Kyle attacks Cartman)
Stan: Hey, I wasn't Kenny's worst f-f-f-friend, Cartman was!
Principal: Hello, boys.
Stan: Wait, what's going on here?
Kyle: Alright look, we don't know for sure why Cartman is ditching school, but it has something to do with abortions.That's all we know.
Mr. Mackey: You didn't do anything wrong, boys; We just need to talk to you. Have a seat.
(Stan and Kyle sit down)
Mr. Mackey: Well boys, your little friend, Kenny, went to the hospital last night, m'kay? And well...he's pretty sick.
Kyle: Kenny's sick?
Stan: Well, how sick?
Chef: Children, Kenny has been diagnosed with a terminal disease.
Stan: But the doctor's are gonna make him better, right?
Sharon: Oh, dear.
Stan But mom, that's what hospitals are for, they can make him better.
Sharon: Oh, Randy.
Randy: They don't think so, Stanley. Your friend is terminally ill, and that means--well son...that means he's gonna be going to Heaven soon.
Kyle: Wait, Kenny's going to die?
Gerald: He might, Kyle.
Stan: But he's our f-f-friend.
Mr. Mackey: We know, and that's why he's going to need you boys to be strong for him, m'kay? He needs you now, more then ever.
Stan: No! This can't happen! Kenny can't die! Kenny can't die!
(Stan begins sobbing into his dad's shoulder)
Stan: Hey, Kenny!
(As Stan walks into the room, Kenny's bed is empty. Kyle walks up to him)
Kyle: He just... He just... stopped breathing. And it was over.
Stan: But... Did he say anything before he went?
Kyle: He just said... "Where's Stan?"
Kyle: Alright, Cartman, what's so important that you had to pull us away from lighting cow crap on fire?
Cartman: Oh, you guys, you're not gonna believe it!
Stan: What?
Cartman: Guess what I have, sitting in my backyard.
Kyle: A trampoline?
Cartman: Better.
Stan: A boat?
Cartman: Better.
Kenny: (muffled) A football machine?
Cartman: Better.
Stan: Well, what, Cartman?
Cartman: Thirty-three aborted fetuses. (Stan,Kyle and Kenny look at him blankly) Oh yes.
Kyle: (closes his eyes) What?!
Cartman: Mint-condition, tax-free.
Stan: Cartman, what the hell are you doing with aborted fetuses?
Kyle: I'm leaving, right now.
Cartman: Well, I guess you don't watch the news, Kyle.
Kyle: You've never watched the news, fat-ass! What the hell does that have to do with anything?!
Cartman: Stem-cells, numb-nuts.
Stan: Stem-cells?
Kyle: Oh, and what do you know about stem-cells?
Kenny(muffled): What the f--k are stem-cells?
Kyle: They're cells that come from fetuses, and some research shows that they could be used to treat diseases.
Cartman: It's been proven, Jew! I saw it on 321 contact, and with all the research that's going on, stem-cells are worth three times their weight in gold. What I have in my backyard, is an aborted treasure chest.
Kyle: I hate you, so much.
Kyle: Stan, you can't leave!
Stan: (Talking about Kenny) I'm not the one who's leaving, he is!
Stan: Just because we rip on you for being rich doesn't mean we don't like you.
Kyle: Yeah we're guys dude; we find something about all our friends to rip on. We make fun of you for being rich like we rip on Butters for acting wimpy.
Butters: They sure do.
Stan: Yeah and like we rip on Kyle for being a Jew.
Kyle: And Stan for being in love with Wendy.
Stan: Yeah I get it for that.
Kyle: And Cartman for being fat.
Cartman: Uh huh.
Kyle: And Cartman for being stupid.
Cartman: Yeah.
Kyle: And Cartman for having a whore for a mom.
Cartman: Hey.
Kyle: And Cartman for being a sadistic asshole.
Cartman: Ay!! You did me already.
Token: You're right guys, for now on I'm find for being made fun of for being rich.
Stan: Oh we're not going to rip on you for being rich anymore.
Token: You're not?
Kyle: No dude, since you got your feelings so hurt for being ripped on, now we think you're a pussy.
Stan: Yeah now you're a pussy, pussaholic.
Kyle: Come on nurse Token we're going to play football ya puss.
Cartman: Pussy!
Butters: Yeah what a pussy.
Craig: Yeah that guy's a pussy.
Kyle's Cousin Kyle: You, you paid your friends to not make fun of me?
Kyle: Look, it's not because anything's wrong with you.
Kyle's Cousin Kyle: Wow, uh, you think it takes $40 to get people to like me.
Kyle: Kyle, I-I'm sorry
Kyle's Cousin Kyle: Becuase I mean I really think you could have done it for about 12.50.
Kyle: What?
Kyle's Cousin Kyle: Well, I mean, you didn't just start at 40, did you? You you gotta low-ball these things so you have a place to go.
Kyle: [amazed] Oh, dude.
Kyle: You especially can't say anything about Jews.
Cartman: Oh Jesus why don't you just cut off my balls!?
Listen guys, I appreciate you wanting me around but the fact of the matter is You guys are just kinda douche-bags.
Kyle's Cousin Kyle (<i>to Kyle, Cartman, and Stan</i>)
