Meg: Everybody! Guess what I am?
Stewie: Hmm, the end result of a drunken back seat grope-fest and a broken prophylactic?

Lois: Meg, I'm like one of those bald eagles you see on the Discovery Channel. Beautiful to look at, but mess with one of my chicks and I'll use my razor sharp talons to rip your [over timer bleeps her out] eyes out. Cookies are done! Who wants chocolate chip?
Stewie: Oh! Oh! I do. But keep talking. All this talk about eye gouging has gotten me all frisky. Seriously, I've got about a half a pack of Rolaids in my diaper

Eliza: Ew, your breath smells like kitty litter.
Stewie: I was curious!

Stewie: What are the stakes of this wager?
Brian: Why don't you just shut up for about a week?
Stewie: Excellent and if I win?
Brian: I wasn't betting, why don't you just shut up for about a week?
Stewie: You're on!

I was under the impression the name of the show was "Kids Say the Darnest Things," not "Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up."

Bill Cosby: Stewie, what do you think candy is made out of?
Stewie: Sunshine and farts! What the hell kind of question is that?!

Easy! Massage the scalp. You're washing a baby's hair, not scrubbing vomit off your Christmas dress, you holiday drunk

Look at me, having sex with a pig! I've become my father!

Dan Aykroyd: If these signatures are correct, Mayor West is located just a third of a kilometer that way just over this rise
Stewie: That's what you said a third of a kilometer ago
Dan Aykroyd: Perhaps you'd like to do something besides criticizing me and quoting my movies
Stewie: You just watch your mouth mister

Stewie: Wow, those are the russian people? I mean granted you do think of bears on unicycles when you think of the russian people, but they're all bears on unicycles?
Dan Aykroyd: Bears on unicycles, every single on of them
Chevy Chase: So what do we do now?
Dan Aykroyd: We're undercover US agents in a hostile foreign environment, we just gotta make sure we don't do anything that makes us stick out
Guard: Hey, they're not bears on unicycles! You're under arrest!

Dan Aykroyd: Now you two individuals live here...are there any local residents whom you've seen acting strangely?
Stewie: Well, there's a pedophile up the street that nobody seems to be doing anything about, but it's mainly because he's so funny

Dan Aykroyd: The activation phrase was something no one would ever think to mutter
Stewie: What is it?
Dan Aykroyd: The phrase is "gosh that itlain family at the next table sure is quiet"

Family Guy Quotes

Ugggh! This tastes like Ani DiFranco after a bike ride!

Quagmire (referencing an awful Korean Taco)

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)