Waylon Smithers Quotes
(Mr. Burns, Smithers, Dr. Marvin Monroe and other doctors review Homer's test shaking their heads in disbelief making tsk-tsk noises.)
Homer: So did I pass doc?
Mr. Burns: N-no.
(Doctors grab Homer and escort him out. Homer gasps and screeches.)
Smithers: Careful men. He wets his pants.
- Permalink: So did I pass doc? N-no. Careful men. He wets his pants.
(Mr. Burns and Smithers review the security camera footage at the power plant.)
Mr. Burns: Wait a minute. Go back.
Mr. Burns: Zoom in.
(Screen zooms in to Homer.)
Mr. Burns: Why is that man in pink?
Smithers: That's Homer Simpson, sir. He's one of your boobs from Sector 7-G.
Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh? Well, judging by his outlandish attire, he's some sort of free-thinking anarchist.
Smithers: I'll call security, sir.
Mr. Burns: Excellent.
- Permalink: Wait a minute. Go back. Zoom in. Why is that man in pink...
Actually, I value every second we're together, from the moment I squeeze his orange juice in the morning till I tuck him in at night. He's not just my boss, he's my best friend too.
- Permalink: Actually, I value every second we're together, from the moment I...
Burns: Somebody up there likes me, Smithers!
Smithers: Somebody down here likes you too, sir!
Burns: Shut up!
- Permalink: Somebody up there likes me, Smithers! Somebody down here likes...
(Mr. Burns and Smithers watch security camera footage of Homer inviting the guys over for the big fight.)
Smithers: Um, he's Homer Simpson, sir. One of your drones from Sector 7-G.
Mr. Burns: Excellent. I'm so keen on seeing Watson vs. Tatum II, I'd even go to an employee's house. Oh, I can picture it now. The screen door rusting off it's filthy hinges, mangy dogs staggering about, looking vainly for a place to die.
Smithers: Permission to speak frankly, sir?
Mr. Burns: Permission granted.
Smithers: Well, you are quite wealthy--
Mr. Burns: Thank you, Smithers. Your candor is most refreshing.
Smithers: No, no, I mean, why don't you pay for the fight yourself?
Mr. Burns: Ah, Smithers, the big title fight is one of those rare occasions that I savor the sights, the sounds and (sniffs) ah, yes, the smells of men.
Smithers: You haven't lost the common touch, sir.
- Permalink: (<i>Mr. Burns and Smithers watch security camera footage of Home...
(Homer and Barney drive by Mr. Burns, who is sitting on a park bench.)
Homer: Hey, Burns, eat my shorts! (They drive off)
Mr. Burns: Who the Sam Hill was that?
Smithers: (Looking through binoculars.) Why, it's Homer Simpson, sir. One of the schmoes from Sector 7G.
Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh? I want him in my office at nine o'clock Monday morning. We'll see who eats whose shorts.
- Permalink: (<i>Homer and Barney drive by Mr. Burns, who is sitting on a par...
Lenny: Hey, Simpson, I heard Mr. Burns crushed your boy!
Homer: Yeah, if I wasn't so spineless, I'd march right into his office right now, and...
Smithers: Simpson! Mr. Burns wants you to march into his office right now
- Permalink: Hey, Simpson, I heard Mr. Burns crushed your boy! Yeah, if I w...
(Smithers checks on Bart after Mr. Burns hits him.)
Smithers: Uh-oh. I, uh-I think the boy's hurt.
Mr. Burns: Oh, for crying out loud! Just give him a nickel and let's get going.
- Permalink: (<i>Smithers checks on Bart after Mr. Burns hits him.</i>) Uh-...
(Mr. Burns greets the Simpson family on Nuclear Power Plant Family Night at Springfield Stadium.)
Smithers: (Whispering) It's the Simpsons, sir
Mr. Burns: Ah, well, if it isn't the Simps!
Homer: Uh, it-it's Simpsons, sir.
Mr. Burns: Huh?
(Smithers hands Mr. Burns an index card with the Simpson family information.)
Mr. Burns: Oh, uh, oh, yes. Homer and Marge Simpson. Oh, and these must be Bart, Lisa, and, uh, "Expecting."
Smithers: Uh, the card needs to be updated, sir.
(Mr. Burns stammers in frustration)
Homer: Well, uh, that's okay. Th-the baby's name isn't important. Let's go, Marge.
- Permalink: <i>(Mr. Burns greets the Simpson family on Nuclear Power Plant F...
(After realizing he is going to lose the election, Mr. Burns starts smashing things in the Simpson home)
Mr. Burns: Smithers, tip over this table for me!
Smithers: Yes, sir.
(Smithers grunts as he turns over the table.)
Marge: Homer. Homer. Make them stop.
Homer: (Clears throat) Uh, Mr. Burns. Um, Mr. Burns?
Mr. Burns: Shut up and wreck something!
(Homer picks up a flower vase and drops it.)
Lisa: Mr. Burns, I hardly see what destroying our meager possessions is going to accomplish.
Mr. Burns: She's right. Take me home, Smithers. We'll destroy something tasteful.
- Permalink: <i>(After realizing he is going to lose the election, Mr. Burns ...
(After dinner at the Simpsons goes badly and costs Mr.Burns the election, he and Smithers head home.)
Mr. Burns: Ironic, isn't it, Smithers? This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election. And yet, if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you.
Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.
- Permalink: <i>(After dinner at the Simpsons goes badly and costs Mr.Burns t...
(Mr. Burns and Smithers study security camera footage.)
Mr. Burns: Morons. Pathetic morons in my employ, stealing my precious money. This is hopeless. None of these cretins deserves a promotion.
Smithers: Well, it's in the union contract, sir. One token promotion from within per year.
Mr. Burns: Wait! Who is that young go-getter? (Points at a monitor with Homer on it.)
Smithers: Well, it sort of looks like (Chuckles) Homer Simpson, only more dynamic and resourceful.
Mr. Burns: Simpson, huh? Hmm. An unspoiled lump of clay to mold in my own image. Our new junior executive. Bring him to me!
- Permalink: <i>(Mr. Burns and Smithers study security camera footage.)</i> ...
Homer: (Wearing glasses) The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side!
Man: (From inside a bathroom stall.) That's a right triangle, you idiot!
- Permalink: The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles tri...
Homer: Aw, twenty dollars? I wanted a peanut!
Homer's Brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts.
Homer: Explain how!
Homer's Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.
- Permalink: Aw, twenty dollars? I wanted a peanut! Twenty dollars can buy...