How I Met Your Mother Season 5 Quotes
You know what they say about relationships. Every waking moment's a battle.
Barney
Sorry Ted. I'm my own wing man tonight.
Barney
Barney: Open it open it open it open it! It's my porn collection. Wait, no it's not. That would be weird.
Ted: It's your porn collection.
Barney: It's my porn collection!
Marshall: What'd you get?
Lily: I got squat.
Marshall: What? I thought I saw you take one.
Lily: I did. It's called Squat.
Robin: We watched a movie last night
Barney: It was legen... wait for it... gends of the fall. Not that good.
Delivery Guy: I have a sausage pizza delivery
Ted: That sounds the start of one of Barney's videos
Delivery Guy: I don't even know if it's gonna fit in there
Ted: Now you're just quoting it
Delivery Guy: Okay someone has to take this sausage
Ted: Were you in that video?
Barney: He's not a doll, he's a storm trooper
Robin: Then why's he wearing a diaper?
Barney: That's not a diaper, that's protective armor
Robin: More like storm pooper
Lily [about breaking people up]: I've gone legit I'm done with that racket, I'm now a matchmaker
Ted: Set me up with someone
Lily: Woh, I'm just starting out
Ted: They're killing each other!
Lily: They love each other.
Ted: Barney and Robin love each other, but they're not Barney and Robin anymore. They're the fat guy and the old lady.
Marshall: My favorite '70s detective show!
Barney [prerecored on porn tape]: Hello, Ted. If you're watching this tape, and I knew you'd pick this one, you're now in posession of my porn. And this can only mean one of two things: either I'm dead or I'm in a committed relationship. If I'm dead I want you to honor my memory by taking my body to the Hamptons and recreate Weekend at Bernies. I want to dance, go fishing, and I want to have sex with a girl. If on the other hand I'm in a committed relationship, as your best friend I have only one request... for the love of god get me out of it
Your girlfriend? She's your girl.. friend? She's a girl and a friend? Do not humanize the enemy, Ted.
Barney
Robin [about their old neighbors bagpiping]: They're old?
Ted: Really old
Robin: So what did you do?
Ted: I didn't have the heart to tell them to stop, because, hey, good for them. So I just sat down, had a hard candy, nodded politely at some racist comments and left
