How I Met Your Mother Season 5 Quotes
There are so many great things to do with the human mouth, why waste it on talking?
Barney
Why is there bag of panties labeled "April 2006" in your closet?
Robin [to Barney]
Barney: Robin and I have been keeping track of how many beds we've had sex in. We've had sex in 83 and a half beds
Ted: A half?
Barney: 19th century ottoman in an antique space
Robin: Okay, this is ridiculous. I can't believe these two are still bagpiping
Ted: Enough! It's been six hours1 It must be that new tantric bagpiping that Sting is into
Robin: She keeps yelling at him to play the bigpipes louder, but it sounds like she's bagpiping him pretty hard. There's a glass of water in my bedroom that's vibrating like Jurassic Park
Ted: You have neighbors, so shut the bagpipes up!
There's kids playing hockey on the back. It's like you want us to make fun of you!
Barney [about Canadian $5 bill]
Canada's not so bad. If they play their cards right they may even become a state one day
Barney
...to prove you are as American as apple pie and the childhood obesity it leads to...
Barney
Robin: How do you know the Canadian citizenship test is easy?
Barney: It's Canada. Question one, do you want to be Canadian? Question two, really?
We were like Lewis and Clark, if Lewis and Clark peed in water bottles and had a bong made out of a cantaloupe
Ted [about him and Marshall]
'Twas the night before this one, and hours to kill
Ted
I sat in the tavern, grading parchments with quill
A busty young lassie flashed me a grin
Her garb said "classy," but her eyes whispered "sin."
She said, "You're a teacher?" I said, "Yes, indeed!"
"I must have you!" she moaned, "I'm turned on by tweed!"
With haste we did scamper to my chamber anon,
We fell to the couch, and bro, it was on.
I unlaced her bodice, our passions grew deeper,
And thus ends the tale of The Sexless Innkeeper.
usually, it's the innkeeper that offers turndown services
Robin
Twas the night before New Years and the weather grew mean. Twas three in the morning and I was stranded in Queens! The tavern grew empty, the gaslights grew dim. The horse-drawn carriages were all but snowed in. Last call was approaching and my fortunes looked bleak, then I turned to my left and stifled a shriek! She had a peach fuzz beard and weighed 16 stone. She gobbled up hot wings..and swallowed the bones. I muffled a scream, and threw up in my mouth. I asked "Where do you live?" and she said "One block south". I swallowed my pride, and six shots of whiskey. And prayed to the Gods that she wasn't too frisky. Back in her cave, she prepared a snack. Beneath her mighty hooves, the floorboards did crack. But when she returned, she found a sound sleeper...and thus she became the Sexless Innkeeper and so are you
Barney
