South Park

South Park Season 2 Quotes (Page 14)

Season 2 Episode 2: "Cartman's Mom Is Still a Dirty Slut"

Mephesto Actor: I'd like to announce who the father of Eric Cartman is...
Director: (on megaphone) Bang!
Mephesto Actor: Oh! I've been shot! (falls over)
Barbrady Actor: Nobody move! I'm a law officer!
Chef Actor: My God, I think he's gone into cardiac arrest!
Barbrady Actor: You seem somewhat unnerved by this, Chef...
Chef Actor: Are you accusing me, Barbrady? Because if you are accusing me, don't hide behind your clever riddles!
Barbrady Actor: Our differences must be set aside for now, Mr. Chef. I'm simply a man; a man trying to do my job.
Officer Barbrady: Wow, this is a good movie!
 • Rating: Unrated

Chef: Wait a second. They closed the pass??
Dr. Doctor: Yes. I'm afraid we're critically understaffed. Unless we get help soon, all these people here are completely ****ed.
(Everyone in the waiting room gasp in horror.)
Dr. Doctor: Metaphorically speaking, that is.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Dr. Doctor: We must split up into two teams: Team A and Team B. Team A will consist of myself, Stan, Kyle, Eric, Chef, and Nurse Goodly. Team B will consist of Kenny. Now, listen closely, Team B. Your goal will be to turn on the backup generator. To do this you must brave the storm outside and get into this sewage duct. Meanwhile, Team A will go to the holding area, here where there is a television, and some cocoa. We will drink the cocoa and watch family programming until Team B makes it through the sewage duct. By that time, Team B, remember that's you Kenny, should reach the outer core of the generator. It will be a cold and dangerous climb to the top, and there could be velociraptors here. Once you reach the top, you should be able to get a clear view from this window of us drinking cocoa and watching television. Then, you could proceed down into the generator, and power it on. Are there any questions?
Cartman: No, that sounds pretty sweet to me.
Dr. Doctor: Great, then, let's do it. Go, Team!
Kenny: (muffled) Huh?
 • Rating: Unrated

Dr. Doctor: Team B? Come in, Team B.
Kenny: (muffled) This is Team B.
Dr. Doctor: Listen, Team B. We've found another path to the generator. There's actually a nice heated walkway to it. So you don't need to walk through all that sewage.
Kenny: (muffled) Are you f*cking telling me that I could've f*cking gone that way?!
Dr. Doctor: Oh. Well, forget I said that, then.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Liane: Well, I think you should keep your laws off of my body!
 • Rating: Unrated

Jimbo: Alright, so far everyone has a long piece of straw. We'll keep drawing
(Jimbo picks a piece of straw.)
Jimbo: (relieved) Whew!
(Mr. Garrison picks a piece of straw.)
Mr. Garrison: (relieved) Whew!
(Officer Barbrady looks at the last piece of straw in his hands.)
Officer Barbrady: Whew.
Jimbo: Wait a minute! Where the hell is the short one??
Officer Barbrady: The short what?
Jimbo: Damn it, Barbrady! When you draw straws, you're supposed to have one of them short! That's how you decide who loses!
Officer Barbrady: That's not how I played it
Mr. Garrison: Oooh, can we hurry this up? My stomach is growling
 • Rating: Unrated

Chef: Doctor, we've got a shot-cracker outside!
Doctor: I'll be right with you in a minute, right after I inject this man with a long needle.
Stan: Oh, man. I'm gonna be sick...
Doctor: There there, young man. Medical science is nothing to be afraid of. (injects the needle and Stan groans)
Nurse: Ooh, I think you're hitting the bone...
(Stan groans again.)
Doctor: Yes, I can feel the needle scraping in there.
(The patient starts bleeding.)
Doctor: Oop! He's hemorrhaging.
(Blood lands near Stan as he leaps away and shrieks; the patients head then falls off.)
Doctor: Oop! His head fell off!
Stan: (running away) I'm getting outta here!
Kyle: Stan!
Doctor: Well, some people just have a weak stomach.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 2 Episode 1: "Terrance and Phillip in Not Without My Anus"

Terrance: Oh, Phillip. How will we ever find my fugitive daughter in this daunting place? We don't speak the language, we are unwelcome strangers, and we have no idea where to begin.
(They look across the street and Terrance's daughter is standing there.)
Phillip: Oh, look. There she is.
 • Rating: Unrated

Terrance: Well, Scott said to meet him here, but he's not showing up!
(Phillip farts and they laugh)
Phillip: Well, while we're waiting, why don't we search for treasure?
Terrance: Oh. Good idea. Let's search for treasure.
(Phillip looks around, but Terrance ends up looking at his feet)
Scott: (arrives) What are you idiots doing?!
Terrance: We're looking for treasure!
Scott: Is that some kind of metaphor for a a kind of sex that can't be described?!
Phillip: No, we're searching for treasure.
 • Rating: Unrated

Terrance: No! It's Sally. She's being held captive in Iran.
Phillip: Not Sally! Dear God, no, Terrance! Why Sally?! God, why?! Say, Terrance, who's Sally?
 • Rating: Unrated

Terrance: Wow! Scott really hates us, Phillip.
Phillip: Yes, perhaps he's homophobic.
(Terrance thinks)
Terrance: But we're not gay, Phillip.
Phillip: We're not?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Phillip: Would a murderer go to the zoo and feed animals like this? Of course not. So, in summation, find Terrance innocent... Or else he'll KILL you!
Phillip: Ha, ha! Just kidding!
 • Rating: Unrated

Phillip: Ugly Bob, your face looks like somebody tried to put out a forest fire with a screwdriver.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Scott: Terrance and Phillip, you two are the most annoying d**ks in Canada. I wish you both had cancer, in the head.
 • Rating: Unrated

Terrance: What are you doing?
Scott: I am wishing cancer upon you.
Phillip: What?
Scott: I am giving you cancer with my mind.
Phillip: No, don't give me cancer!
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

(Phone rings, inane laughter)
Phillip: That fart sounded like a ringing phone Terrance.
Terrance: It sure did Phillip.
(Phone rings again)
Terrance: Oh wait, that is the phone.
 • Rating: Unrated

Terrance: You are such a d**k, Scott.
Scott: You're a d**k.
Terrance: You're a d**k.
Scott: You're a d**k.
Terrance: You're a d**k.
Scott: You're a d**k.
Terrance: You're a d**k.
Scott: You're a d**k.
Terrance: You're a d**k.
 • Rating: Unrated

Terrance: That one's called the monkey claw because it feels like my colon is being torn about my a thousand monkeys.
Phillip: The monkey claw is smelly.
 • Rating: Unrated

Celine Dion: Why are you calling him Ugly Bob?
Phillip: Because that's his name you stupid bitch!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Scott: (on phone) Terrance, this is Scott.
Terrance: Hello Scott.
Phillip: (from distance) Tell him he's a smelly bastard.
Terrance: Phillip says hello, Scott.
 • Rating: Unrated

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