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Beverly: I guess you've noticed I'm a little taller than 5'9".
Alan: Oh, yeah, but, uh, everybody fudges a little on those dating profiles. How tall are you?
Beverly: 5'13"

Alan: I guess that the bar is not set very high.
Beverly: You have not done much online dating before; you cleared it with a penis and a job

Rose: Hey, Charlie, got a minute? I'd like to talk to you privately.
Charlie: Now is not a good time, Rose.
Rose: Will you call me later?
Charlie: Sure.
Rose: Promise?
Charlie: Yeah.
Rose: Cross your heart and hope to die?
Charlie: Yes!
Rose: Stick a needle in your eye.
Charlie: Okay...
Rose: Boil in oil until you fry?
Charlie: Dear God, Rose, I will call you.
Rose: Tootles..
(Rose leaves)
Alan: You're not gonna call her, are you?
Charlie: Nah, I think I'm gonna go with the needle in the eye

I'm not gay. I'm literate and urbane, and that confuses people


Oh, I almost forgot. I thought you should have this. It's our first restraining order. Look how shaky your signature was. You were so spooked


Charlie: I am sorry about the hermaphroditic incident.
Alan: "I'm sorry" does not make up for leaving me in a hotel room with a girl who had a vestigial penis.
Charlie: I didn't know! I was as surprised as you were!
Alan: Charlie, no one was as surprised as I was

Alan, you're a sweet, gentle guy. Charlie, you're a pig, but I find you very attractive. There's only one reasonable solution. I'll have to do you both


Charlie: Danielle—she's not right for you.
Alan: But you said she was perfect for me.
Charlie: I was wrong. She's sick and twisted; that makes her perfect for me

No woman ever came home from a date complaining that all she did was talk about herself

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