Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men Season 4 Quotes (Page 11)

Season 4 Episode 3: "The Sea is a Harsh Mistress"

Alan: You're going to hell, you know?
Charlie: I don't think so. I believe in a loving God who forgives little fibs as long as they lead to recreational sex.
Alan: You really wanna drag God into this?
Charlie: Who gave me the penis, Alan?
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

Jake: Dad said you almost drowned today?
Charlie: Yup!
Jake: Are you okay now?
Charlie: I'm fine.
Jake: Can I ask you a question?
Charlie: Sure.
Jake: It's about what happens when you die.
Charlie: Okay.
Jake: Who gets your car?
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Come on, Jake, we're going to the movies.
Jake: On a school night?
Alan: Why not? You're flunking anyway
 • Rating: Unrated

Evelyn: Charlie was a planned baby.
Alan: What was I?
Evelyn: Well, dear, you were a pitcher of margaritas and a gas station condom
 • Rating: 4.7 / 5.0

Alan: You don't surf do you?
Charlie: Not a bit.
Alan: So how did Gidget get the idea you were "The Big Kahuna?"
Charlie: I told her I "hanged ten" and I guess she misunderstood
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Since when do you have a wet suit?
Charlie: Since I moved to the beach and noticed it was full of hot surfer chicks. If I lived next to Jellystone Park I'd have a bear suit and a picnic basket
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: I think I'll go to the bathroom.
Evelyn: Why?
Charlie: What do you mean "why"? I have to go.
Evelyn: When was the last time you had a prostate exam?
Charlie: It feels like I'm having one now
 • Rating: Unrated

Evelyn: So, how is work?
Charlie: Fine.
Evelyn: Are you seeing anybody special?
Charlie: Nope.
Evelyn: Charlie, did you ever stop to think that our relationship is strained because you won't let me in? You won't share.
Charlie: You know why I won't share with you, Mom? Because anything I say will be used against me.
Evelyn: Oh please...
Charlie: I have to go to the bathroom, maybe I have a prostate problem. I buy a new Mercedes, you call it a Nazi phallic symbol. I'm seeing someone new, you ask if I'm paying her by the hour, or per schtup!
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: When was the last time you called mom just to see how she was doing?
Charlie: Uh, whoo. What's today, Sunday? Then never.
Alan: Why don't you start with that?
Charlie: OK, fine.
Alan: Remember her number?
Charlie: I've got it on speed dial. 666. Cute, huh?
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 4 Episode 2: "Who's Vod Kanockers?"

Jake: Hey, if girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where do girls with only one leg work at? ... IHOP
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: Looks like you had a tough night.
Charlie: No, the night was great. It's the morning that's killing me!
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: OK, well, good luck with the tour!
Steven Tyler: Thanks a lot, man.
Charlie: Who's the sponsor, Metamucil?
Steven Tyler: What was that?
Charlie: Nothing, nothing.
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: Let me tell you something about feelings. Feelings are like your mother's breasts. You know where they are, but they're best left unfelt.
Rose: It's an interesting analogy, but may I point out that a mother's breasts are a source for nourishment and comfort?
Charlie: Yeah, well, my mother's breasts were a source of silicone and Russian vodka
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jake: Hey, Berta, do you wanna see my armpit hair?
Berta: Only if you want to see mine
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: Um, I just want to say, I'm a huge fan. I lost my virginity to you.
Steven Tyler: Really? Well ya know, there's a lot of the seventies I don't remember
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: You misspelled Vicodin.
Charlie: That's the great thing about Vicodin.. I don't care
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: I don't have to face anything I don't want to face, and I don't have to feel anything I don't want to feel, and that includes Mom's vodka knockers
 • Rating: Unrated

Rose: How cool is it that Steven Tyler moved in next door? I lost my virginity to him.
Charlie: You mean his music.
Rose: No
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: Can you lay off the harmonica playing?
Steven Tyler: Hey, a lot of people pay to see me play harmonica!
Charlie: They pay to hear you sing; they tolerate the harmonica!
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 4 Episode 1: "Working for Caligula"

Alan: Rose.
Rose: Yes, baby.
Alan: You're a stalker.
Rose: We prefer to be called "boundary-challenged"
 • Rating: Unrated

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