Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men Season 4 Quotes (Page 10)

Season 4 Episode 5: "A Live Woman of Proven Fertility"

Charlie: Don't underestimate the value of having a prescription pad lying around the house.
Alan: Charlie!!!
Charlie: In case someone gets sick...or bored
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Jake's a sound sleeper.
Charlie: Yeah, nothing wakes that kid up. And I've had some real screamers at my place.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Jake's happy being an only child.
Charlie: If there was a new one I think he'd probably eat it by mistake
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: A bribable child is a controllable child
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Why did you run away?
Jake: Because I hate it there!
Alan: Is this about the upcoming nuptials?
Jake: It's nothing to do with puberty, dad. It's about mom getting married
 • Rating: Unrated

Judith: Would you wait in the car, please?
Jake: Who's in trouble, me or dad?
Judith: Nobody's in trouble.
Jake [to Alan]: It's you
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: Don't be mean to your mother.
Jake: You're mean to your mom all the ti..
Charlie: My mother can take it. My mother feeds on it.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Marriage is like skydiving. You have to jump out of the old plane...
Charlie: And get sucked into the old propeller.
Alan:...A propeller of love
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: Herb, you haven't touched your beer.
Herb: Oh, well I'm not too much of a drinker.
Charlie: So let's have a drinking game: Whenever Alan gives me a strange look, we all have a drink. [Alan stares at him]
Charlie: Whoops, let's just start it
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: I need to start carrying my own weight, which is actually getting easier now that I'm wasting away
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 4 Episode 4: "A Pot Smoking Monkey"

Alan: In my entire life, Chester is the only living thing I ever slept with that didn't sue me for alimony
 • Rating: Unrated

Jake: What do I have to do for you?
Charlie: Just promise to be sad at my funeral.
Jake: Do I have to cry?
Charlie: No.
Jake: Will there be food?
Charlie: Yes.
Jake: Can I bring a date?
Charlie: You're just screwing with me now, right?
Jake: How does it feel?
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan [to Kandi on the phone]: Oh, well, then, maybe you can explain to me why I'm the one who feeds Chester, gives Chester tick baths, and cleans up when Chester piddles on the rug!
Charlie [to Jake]: When'd you change your name to Chester?
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: No dogs in my house. Especially stolen dogs that are big enough to make me their bitch!
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Kandi: Are you sure it doesn't have anything to do with sex?
Lawyer: Positive.
Kandi: Huh, sure sounds like it: subpoenas
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie [to Jake]: If you really want to make some extra cash, I'm sure we can find some household chores for you to do.
Berta: Oh, yeah, there's big money in that
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan [on the phone]: Kandi, listen to me, our divorce doesn't have to be adversarial.
Jake [to Charlie]: Bet she doesn't know that word
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Oh, Judith, when did you start hating me so much?
Judith: Well, let's see: I disliked you when we were married, I resented you when we divorced, but I don't think I hated you until you started having sex with that gorgeous 22 year-old dumbbell.
Alan: OK, well, thanks for clearing that up
 • Rating: Unrated

Jake: Hey, dad, how come you don't give me an allowance?
Alan: Because your mother gives you an allowance. [to Kandi] Look, I'm just trying to be fair here.
Jake: Speaking of fair, it doesn't seem fair that mom has to pay me and you don't.
Alan: Hang on, Kandi. [To Jake]: Let me explain something to you, every cent your mother has, comes from me. So when she gives you an allowance, it's really me giving you an allowance.
Jake: I don't need to know how it works, I just need more money
 • Rating: 4.0 / 5.0

Charlie: Still early, want to go shoot some hoops?
Jake: Nah, I'm gonna go call Wendy Cho.
Charlie: Hey, bros before Chos!
 • Rating: Unrated

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