Thursdays 8:30 PM on CBS
Two-and-a-half-men

Alan: What do you want from me? I-- I went out to the club, I went to the after-hours club, I went out to breakfast! I held my date's hair while she vomited pancakes in the parking lot!
Charlie: Well, if you weren't whining about wanting to go home, you'd be having sex with her right now.
Alan: Oh, darn. What man doesn't dream of kissing second-hand pancakes?

It seems like yesterday I could party all night and eat and drink anything I wanted to. Now, a couple of Red Bulls and a waffle and I'm sittin' in the emergency room, prayin' for a fart

Charlie

Dr. Prajneep: The good news is that you are a perfectly healthy 50-year-old man.
Charlie: I'm only 40!
Dr. Prajneep: Tell that to your liver

The day you start accepting limitations is the day you start dying, and I am not dying, my friend. I am living life to the fullest. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go throw up and take a nap

Charlie

Berta [on Charlie]: I wish you could have seen him in his prime. He was like Babe Ruth.
Jake: He played baseball?
Berta: No, he was a drunken whore-monger

Alan: Let's face it, we're both too old for the MTV-lifestyle.
Charlie: MTV? Did they just defrost you?!

Let me tell you something, Alan, you're only as young as the women you feel... and lately, I've been feeling about 24.

Charlie

Jake: Hey, Berta, wanna hear something cool? The ancient Romans had a place called a vomitorium where people could eat as much as they wanted, puke, and then eat some more.
Berta: Well, just like the Sizzler

Charlie: When did you get married?
Leanne: Shortly after the last time I woke up in your bed with cab fare taped to my forehead

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