Two and a Half Men Season 4 Quotes
Alan [to Kandi on the phone]: Oh, well, then, maybe you can explain to me why I'm the one who feeds Chester, gives Chester tick baths, and cleans up when Chester piddles on the rug!
Charlie [to Jake]: When'd you change your name to Chester?
No dogs in my house. Especially stolen dogs that are big enough to make me their bitch!
Charlie
Kandi: Are you sure it doesn't have anything to do with sex?
Lawyer: Positive.
Kandi: Huh, sure sounds like it: subpoenas
Charlie [to Jake]: If you really want to make some extra cash, I'm sure we can find some household chores for you to do.
Berta: Oh, yeah, there's big money in that
Alan [on the phone]: Kandi, listen to me, our divorce doesn't have to be adversarial.
Jake [to Charlie]: Bet she doesn't know that word
Alan: Oh, Judith, when did you start hating me so much?
Judith: Well, let's see: I disliked you when we were married, I resented you when we divorced, but I don't think I hated you until you started having sex with that gorgeous 22 year-old dumbbell.
Alan: OK, well, thanks for clearing that up
Jake: Hey, dad, how come you don't give me an allowance?
Alan: Because your mother gives you an allowance. [to Kandi] Look, I'm just trying to be fair here.
Jake: Speaking of fair, it doesn't seem fair that mom has to pay me and you don't.
Alan: Hang on, Kandi. [To Jake]: Let me explain something to you, every cent your mother has, comes from me. So when she gives you an allowance, it's really me giving you an allowance.
Jake: I don't need to know how it works, I just need more money
Charlie: Still early, want to go shoot some hoops?
Jake: Nah, I'm gonna go call Wendy Cho.
Charlie: Hey, bros before Chos!
Alan: You're going to hell, you know?
Charlie: I don't think so. I believe in a loving God who forgives little fibs as long as they lead to recreational sex.
Alan: You really wanna drag God into this?
Charlie: Who gave me the penis, Alan?
Jake: Dad said you almost drowned today?
Charlie: Yup!
Jake: Are you okay now?
Charlie: I'm fine.
Jake: Can I ask you a question?
Charlie: Sure.
Jake: It's about what happens when you die.
Charlie: Okay.
Jake: Who gets your car?
Alan: Come on, Jake, we're going to the movies.
Jake: On a school night?
Alan: Why not? You're flunking anyway
Evelyn: Charlie was a planned baby.
Alan: What was I?
Evelyn: Well, dear, you were a pitcher of margaritas and a gas station condom