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Two-and-a-half-men

Charlie: (Referring to Courtney) So Teddy, what's the deal? All this time you've been hiding this beautiful woman from us.
Teddy: Only from you, Charlie.

Teddy: Charlie, I need you to do me a favor.
Charlie: Anything for you, Teddy. Name it.
Teddy: Stay away from Courtney.
Charlie: Name something else.

Well, Evelyn, you know what the say about assuming. When you assume, you're just a bitch.

Courtney

Oh, I'm sorry. I had no idea that you were planning on using a fake migraine to get out early. So what did you do? Ooh, menstrual cramps. Yeah, I can't get away with that. Although sometimes I'll use irritable bowl syndrome.

Alan [on the phone with Courtney]

Charlie: (To Courtney) I guess I could come by and take a peek at it.
Berta: First a peek, then a poke.

Berta: Did Teddy tell you to stay away from his daughter, too?
Alan: No.
Berta: Yeah, why would he?

Courtney: Right now it's all wet, soapy, just waiting for you.
Charlie: Are we still talking about a car?
Courtney: What do you think?
Charlie: I think I should probably get out before I set off the airbag.

Alan: How come you have no problem looking me in the eye after sleeping with my wife's sister, my son's teacher, my divorce lawyer and my old receptionist?
Charlie: I like Teddy.

Courtney: What do you have to lose?
Charlie: Well, there's my integrity, my self-respect, my relationship with your father.. give me the damn keys!

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