Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men Season 5 Quotes (Page 8)

Season 5 Episode 4: "City of Great Racks"

Charlie: Why do I keep thinking I see her?
Jake: Maybe you miss her.
Charlie: I don't think so. I was a little down when she left, which is to be expected, but I've got Linda now. I moved on. And what the hell am I doing talking to you about my personal life?
Jake: Cause I'm a good listener? Cause you have no other friends? Ha, ha.
 • Rating: Unrated

Jake: I started algebra.
Alan: Oh, really? How do you like it?
Jake: Eh, I don't get it at all, but the teacher's really hot.
Alan: Really?
Jake: Yeah, she's got some really great racks.
Alan: Um, don't you mean "rack"?
Jake: No, she's got two, and they're ginormous!
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Oh, hey, how was Santa Barbara?
Jake: Santa Barbra? It's Spanish for "city of great racks."
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 5 Episode 3: "Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo"

Alan: She's a fascinating woman: she's a municipal court judge, she teaches law at UCLA.....
Charlie: Oh, man, you didn't tell me that!
Alan: Does that make a difference?
Charlie: Of course, it makes a big difference. The smarter the girl, the harder it is to blow smoke up her ass.
Alan: You know, I'm already regretting this.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: I can't believe it, you're nervous about a date?
Charlie: Of course I'm nervous. What am I going to talk to her about? I haven't gone out with a 40-year-old woman since I was in high school!
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: (to Charlie) It's possible you might enjoy your dates more if you went out with women who were capable of using their head for something other than a place to rest their ankles.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Oh, there they are.
Charlie: Hang on, hang on, which one's mine?
Alan: The one on the right.
Charlie: Wow! She's forty? She has the ears of a twenty-year-old.
 • Rating: Unrated

Linda: Old friend?
Charlie: Oh, yeah! You know, church choir, bake sale. You may not want to drink the ice tea.
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: Yeah, hi, Linda, it's Charlie again. I just want you to know this will be my last message. I figured three's a charm, four is a restraining order. (Laughs) Look who I'm telling.
 • Rating: Unrated

Berta: What's this broad got that's so special?
Charlie: A brain.
Berta: What are you going to do with a brain?
Charlie: It doesn't matter, she'll never call me.
Berta: Awww! Don't talk like that. Just because she's smart and successful doesn't mean she's not damaged enough to go out with you.
 • Rating: 3.0 / 5.0

Linda: Please, tell me you did not get yourself arrested just so you can see me?
Charlie: Ummm! You got me.
Linda: Charlie, what am I going to do with you?
Charlie: Have dinner with me? Otherwise, we're looking at a crime spree here.
Linda: Alright, one dinner. Now, step back.
Charlie: (whispering) Yes, ma'am.
Linda: How do you plead?
Charlie: Guilty, your Honor.
Linda: Is this your first offense?
Charlie: Yes, your Honor.
Linda: Alright, $500.
Charlie: $500? Last time....
Linda: "Last time?"
Charlie: Thank you, your Honor.
 • Rating: Unrated

Season 5 Episode 2: "Media Room Slash Dungeon"

Sharon: I'm sorry, Alan, I can't do this.
Alan: Sure you can. I mean, you are... and if you'll allow me to say so, you're pretty good at it.
Sharon: It's not you, it's me.
Alan: Yeah, right!
Sharon: What is that supposed to mean?
Alan: Sharon, I have been rejected by... thirty two different women in my life, and you know what? It's never been me.
 • Rating: Unrated

Berta: Morning.
Alan: Morning. Hey, Berta, you're a woman.
Berta: Where are we going with this, Zippy?
Alan: I was just wondering-what does it mean when someone starts crying uncontrollably after sex?
Berta: Well, in my experience, it usually means the conjugal visit's over.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Sharon: The image of you lying on top of me will haunt me forever.
Alan: Did you want to be on top?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Evelyn: Margaret, good to see you! How's married life?
Margaret: Oh, just one long honeymoon.
Evelyn: That's because she bangs a different groom every night.
Charlie: Hi. Charlie Harper.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: You know what they say about nice guys?
Sharon: Yes, they finish last.
Alan: No, they finish in the shower.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Evelyn: That is the king of vaginal rejuvenation surgery. But interestingly, he's never used one himself, rejuvenated or otherwise.
Charlie: Wouldn't that make him the queen of vaginal surgery?
 • Rating: Unrated

Evelyn: Teddy is out of town and I need an escort for the Civic Light Opera benefit this evening.
Charlie: Why don't you just try one of those escort services?
Evelyn: Charlie, if I were going to pay $200 per hour for a man, I would not be taking him to the opera.
Charlie: That's fair.
 • Rating: Unrated

Evelyn: They say that he killed a famous writer just to prove a point.
Charlie: Ooohh. And what was the point?
Evelyn: ...I can kill a writer.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: Well, I'd love to help you out, Mom, but, uh, I have a date tonight.
Evelyn: So, now it's inflatable sex doll night at Dodger Stadium?
Alan: No, no, I really have a date. And the doll was a gag gift from one of my patients.
Evelyn: Charlie, what about you?
Charlie: I tried it once, but I prefer a real woman.
 • Rating: Unrated

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