Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men Season 5 Quotes

Episode 19: "Waiting for the Right Snapper"

Dr. Freeman: Okay, I got 5 minutes before my next patient so why don’t you just give me the headline.
Charlie: Okay, I’m seeing a woman.
Dr. Freeman: That’s not a headline Charlie, that’s the name of the paper.
Charlie: I know but she’s different than the type of woman I usually go out with.
Dr. Freeman: Oh yeah, different how?
Charlie: Well, she’s a little older.
Dr. Freeman: You really couldn’t go younger without having to register with the authorities.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: Why aren't you studying for your algebra final?
Jake: 'Cause I don't have to.
Alan: You don't have to study algebra.
Jake: Nope. All I gotta do is get a 67 to pass the course, and then it's adiós seventh grade, arrivederci eighth.
Alan: OK, we can cross "UN interpreter" off the job list...
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Berta: What's bugging you, Zippy? Your blow-up doll run off with a pool toy?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Alan: You know what you call someone who just skates through life doing only the bare minimum?
Jake: Uncle Charlie?
Alan: You call him a slacker.
Jake: Whateve...
Alan: Whateve? Are you now so lazy you can't even be bothered to finish words?
Jake: What's your prob? Don't you get happy if I just get in eighth grade? I mean isn't that the whole point of seventh?
Alan: No, that is not the whole point of seventh. And yes I'll be thrilled if you're not left back.
Jake: So relax, it's all good.
Alan: Don't you mean it's all "goo?"
 • Rating: Unrated

Evelyn: We're at the same theater. What a happy coincidence.
Charlie: Yeah, just like Booth and Lincoln.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Angie: How do you like being a father, Alan?
Alan: Ah...well, ya know, I'd have to say it's wonderfully rewarding and more than a little challenging. Jake's kind of a diamond-in-the-rough.
Charlie: Jake's kind of a turd in the punch bowl.
Angie: Charlie! That is no way to talk about a child!
Charlie: He's not a child; he's a post-pubescent tapeworm with a bad haircut.
 • Rating: Unrated

Dr. Freeman: This woman you're seeing is a mother figure.
Charlie: "A mother figure?" I said she's warm, nurturing and supportive. The words, "toxic she-devil," did not pass my lips.
 • Rating: Unrated

Dr. Freeman: So you're competing with your brother for the affection of an older, nurturing woman.
Charlie: Boy, you're just a one-string banjo, aren't you?
 • Rating: Unrated

Charlie: So what do I owe you?
Dr. Freeman: Well, I get $200 an hour, you were here for 5 minutes, so why don't we just round it off and say $200?
Charlie: Man, even hookers prorate.
 • Rating: Unrated

Episode 18: "If My Hole Could Talk"

Alan: You're writing a report on The Taming of the Shrew, not The Voyages of Cap'n Crunch!
Jake: Too bad. I could write the crap out of that.
Alan: OK... [sighs] I'm not fooling around here. You are gonna finish this damn book and write the damn report, and you're gonna hand it in on Monday, spell-checked, formatted, and on freakin' time!
Jake: I have my doubts, Dad.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: You're angry and resentful. But what you need to understand is that resentment is the mortar that holds the bricks of loneliness together in a wall of alienation and despair. Chapter 3, "Knocking Down the Wall".
Alan: Bite me. That's Chapter 1 in my forthcoming book entitled, Bite Me. Chapter 2 is called "Kiss My Pale White Ass".
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Jake [on The Taming of the Shrew]: Dad, this is the wrong book.
Alan: What are you talking about?
Jake: It's in some sort of foreign language.
Alan: It's Elizabethan.
Jake: Well, can we get one in English?
Alan: Walk.
 • Rating: Unrated

Jake: I lost my book.
Allan: And how were you going to write the report?
Jake: I was hoping for an earthquake.
Allan: What was your next plan?
Jake: I pretty much put all my eggs in the earthquake basket.
 • Rating: Unrated

Alan: (referring to Jake's lost book) We should put frosting on the damn book. He's never lost anything with frosting on it.
Charlie: I don't know why you continue to bang your head against the wall. The kid is obviously destined to sell tube socks out of the trunk of his car.
Alan: A business of his own... gee, that would be swell
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Charlie: (about Jake) I'll bet you're sorry you took all that LSD before you had him.
Alan: I never took any LSD!
Charlie: You might want to start telling people you did.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

Episode 17: "Fish in a Drawer"

Jenna: So, are you a friend of the bride or the groom?
Alan: Well, the bride is my mother, so... the groom.
 • Rating: Unrated

Sloane: Jake, what I want to know is, were you in your uncle's room at any time today?
Jake: No, I never go to my uncle's room.
Sloane: Why not?
Jake: 'Cause all the skin mags are in my dad's room.
 • Rating: Unrated

[the crime scene investigators dim the lights in Charlie's room to check for semen]
Sloane: My God!
Wes: It's like a Jackson Pollock painting.
Charlie: The ceiling fan's actually a cute story.
 • Rating: Unrated

Berta: So who do you suppose was smoking Teddy's sausage?
Courtney: Berta, that is my father in there!
Berta: OK, so who do you suppose was smoking your father's sausage?
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

[Evelyn finds Teddy lying dead on Charlie's bed]
Evelyn: You son of a bitch.
Alan: So you weren't the one who was...
Evelyn: Of course not. I already married the man! I just can't believe he'd cheat on me on our wedding day!
Courtney: Excuse me, my father is lying here dead!
Evelyn: With his pants around his ankles and lipstick on his hoo-hoo.
 • Rating: 5.0 / 5.0

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